Friday, 29 July 2011

Blue Face and The Employment Agency

Have you seen 'Avatar'...alternatively....are you alive?

Carol's best pal, Janet, leader and head honcho of Hillingson Cats Protection had some growth thingy on her face. 'It's not cancer' said the Doc, 'it's a thing that mimics cancer'.

Mimics?....I thought ventriloquists did the mimicking.....'You have cancer of the ventriloquist and will die shortly'

Anyroad, the doctors removed it and gave her blue stitches. The left side of her face is blue. As I quite fancied that 'Avatar' 8 feet tall with a tail babe I have chosen to remain silent on the matter.....

In the meantime, one of my driving students is a Chef.

He is young and talented in the Chef business.

I know he is young mainly because I am not, I know he's talented because he makes me things to eat and they taste good - or occasionally GREAT!

Precisely what I am eating is often a mystery but, as it tastes good, I am happy.

One day he burst into tears in the middle of a lesson.

It turned out he was being bullied at work by the Head Chef and pretty much everyone else that worked there.

After suffering health difficulties early in life to do with the heart - well sorted now - he ended up being very quiet and quite insular - he hasn't got a multitude of pals.

I like this lad very much. He could never be my daughters boyfriend because he is too young (and besides I like Max enormously anyway) however, if he was older and was my daughters boyfriend I would be well chuffed.


He is kind and gentle.

I arranged an interview at my local pub - as I'm teaching the landlady to drive. Her 'partner' is the Chef - with a very good background too - he 'Cheffed' at a couple of major London Hotels before managing the kitchen at Number 10 Downing Street (disappointingly failing to poison the Prime Minister)

He will be starting in a couple of weeks.

Driving Instructor, Social Worker (several of my students) and now....Employment Agency.

All in one car.

I'm bloody good I am.

Good luck well deserve a break young man.

Laters and let's be careful out there eh?

ps...'Torchwood' is fucking awesome!!!!.....more soon

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Chill Dinners...Chill!!!

I have sat cross legged on the floor, put my thumbs together and said "Ohmmm" several times.

Then I drank some voddy and repeated the exercise.....

My li'l bro Sime is quite right. I switched to DILLIGAF II to chill not rant away and off I went again...ranting away.

Daft old bugger.

As a Driving Instructor my car is like the bloody United Nations - not entirely surprising given I live near Heathrow Airport I suppose.

Ukranian, Bulgarian, Indian, Sri Lankan, Spanish, Kenyan, Vietnamese, Irish, Welsh, Scottish, Latvian, Lithuanian, Argentinian, Brazilian, Somalian.......and that's the students past and present I can bring to mind immediately...oh...yeah...a few English as well...;-)

I rapidly reached the conclusion that learning to drive and indeed, becoming a good driver is not related in any way shape or form to intelligence.

One of my students believed, and, as far as I know, still believes that the 30 odd sheep we saw grazing on a steep hill on one of the Staines Reservoir's all facing the same way were doing so as they'd been specially bred with their right legs shorter than their left in order to graze on steep inclines - turning around would result in them falling over and rolling down the hill.

I didn't actually think she'd entirely believed me until we saw a dozen or so the next driving lesson facing the opposite way.

"Oh look Dinners! They've got their left legs shorter!" she exclaimed excitedly.....

"Bugger the where you're going!"......I think I must be evil....;-)

Passing your Driving Test is a bloody lottery you know.

My best student by far took 3 bloody goes!!!

"You drive better than me" said the Examiner.

"I've passed then?" she asked

"Unfortunately not" he replied.

Uh?......Don't ask me...I'm just more qualified than the Examiner...he/she just asseses on the day....I train them for the day from scratch.

"You drive better than me but you've failed" explain that one to me!!!

Still, I've never been happier in my life than I am now - at least as far as a job goes.

"What's this £70?" I asked a student

"Well I forgot to pay you for the last 2 lessons so here it is"

I had no idea - it drives Caz crazy....."Dinners!!!! You're meant to be a businessman now!!!"

"It's more a vocation love"


"Er...any ideas on a vacation?"

Monday, 25 July 2011

Norway and the Scourge of Liberalism

Amir Khan is British...Amir Khan is English... Amir Khan is muslim.

Get that?

British first and foremost, English second and muslim third.

I like Amir Khan.

He is proud to be British, proud to be English and proud to be muslim.

Amir Khan is the acceptable face of immigration and colonisation.

He hasn't rejected his roots or his faith....he's adapted to the fact that he has to be British to live here and be accepted here.

There's a problem?

Apparently there is with certain muslims.

That would be the muslims that need to fuck off before they get fucked by Brits like me who have had more than enough of them.

Amir is the business.

Long live and reign BRITAINS AMIR KHAN.

If you disagree with that statement do yourself a favour.

Fuck off back to a mussie country before we either force you or shoot you.


That's what liberalism gets you ultimately......

Nobody in their right mind would ever condone what the scumbag did....but he did it because the 'liberal elite' think they can create a multi-culteral/ethnic nirvana...

Guess what?

They can't.

Amir Khan is the way forward.

You move to another country you adopt and adapt....or you create Norway's grief again.

Besides...if I moved to a muslim country and asked for a Christian Church and behaved like a Christian I wonder what would happen?

You tell me....cause we already know....I'd be minus my silly head....

Take a leaf out of Amir's book mussies.

I'm proud he's British.

Are you?

Nuff said.

Deeper and Deeper

That Norwegian fella is an evil scumbag.


There is NO excuse for killing innocent people of any age, let alone teenagers.


I wonder whether anyone will ask the question "If we assume he isn't completely insane" (he may be) "Then what could drive a human being to doing something so evil?"

The question will never be asked quite simply because most European media is biased to 'the left'.

The 'liberal elite' governing Europe have, for many years, sought to create a multi-cultural/multi-racial Nirvana.

Nothing, but NOTHING could ever justify the actions of this Norwegian maniac.

But the cause of his mania points directly to the liberal elite who have been in charge since WWII.

I think we've all paid the price for Nazi Germany. Let's stop creating another cause for the Nazi's.

Let's realise that people hate the 'colonisation' of their countries by alien cultures.

There are enough nutters on this planet without continuing to give reasons to others to become nutters.

Humanity may never live together entirely in peace, but if we continue to allow our 'liberal elite' to dictate how they believe we should live and what we should accept then this monster may be only the start of something even darker than Islam.

Now that would be very very dark.

Saturday, 23 July 2011


Now look...

If a bomb goes off on The Gaza Strip or some loony tunes guns down some innocents at a school in America or some muslim fundamentalist blows the crap out of some bit of London then we are shocked.

Shocked, but not entirely surprised.

Our politicians have created this insane world and we are not entirely shocked when the insane world they have created kicks us in the arse.

Was 9/11 entirely unpredictable?...Nope...It was a shock but we'd pissed off Al Qaida who are a terrorist organisation so it wasn't entirley unpredictable was it?...A bit of a surprise perhaps...but not entirely unpredictable....

7/7 wasn't entirely unpredicatble either was it? It was certainly a shock but, if it was going to happen it was going to happen in Britain or America most likely and it did.

I was startled, as I suspect were many, to learn that this shit happened in Norway.


For a brief instant I thought 'It's because of those Mohammed cartoons' until I remembered that was Denmark.

Well...perhaps Call Me Al Qaida have a slight geographical issue when it comes to Scandinavia?

It appears it was a 'far right' lunatic.

Now...being a proud member of 'the right wing' in political terms I held my breath as the news came through.

It appears 'he' was a 'lone wolf'....although there may be two of them.....


The 'right wing' would never condone or support such crazy behaviour - if only because the 'right wing', politically speaking, are growing successfully - if slowly.

This 'nutter' has set back 'right wing politics' by several years at best.

Would Britain's British National Party condone this sort of thing? No way.

Even the farther right wing 'English Defence League' would baulk at this sort of shit.

Islamic fundamentalists who live amongst us would do this.....we wouldn't.

Suddenly...a maverick 'far right lone wolf' has done what Islam has been doing.

The stupid bastard has pushed us waaaay back after all the good work of recent years.

More importantly he's killed kids.

As a man who has little, if any faith in God...God help us all.

This mad bastard has killed maybe 80+ kids. They were simply learning about was a Labour/Socialist holiday camp....I disagree wholeheartedly with Socialists.

I hate 'multi-culturalism' and all that bollocks but I would never in a million years harm anyone who agreed with multi-culturalism. I'd tell them they were idiots and buy them a beer.

If sections of the 'far right' are now considering using the terrorist tactics of Islam then this is going to get very very dirty.


If it can happen in Norway it really can happen anywhere....

I'll continue to look at Islamists with justifiable suspicion...I'll now look at white Englishmen with a degree of suspicion......

Bombing and shooting is very very wrong. We know that, Islamists clearly don't. Now, it appears, some 'right wingers' don't either.

As a proud 'right winger send 'em home get em out of MY country England for the English' sort of chap I am shocked to the core.

My politics won't change but my view of those who agree with me have just changed beyond recognition.

Every sane persons thoughts are with you Norway.....

Every sane persons thoughts....even mine.

What a fucking world eh?...What a fucking world....

Friday, 22 July 2011

A Happy Bunny Once More....

Felt a wee bit down last post. Nowt serious. Just missing Jacqui who was completely out of contact in the depths of the Madagascan jungle for a week.

Now she's back at Base Camp 1 so she's back in touch via the £5.80 a minute satellite phone. I'm bankrupt and happy!!!

Besides, we're having a curry tonight.

I've got my first ever Bulgarian driving student. Sweet girl. She was a bit nervous until I said Hristo Stoichkov was a great footballer. Then she was very nervous as she realised her driving instructor was nuts!....;-)

I always greet new students who've never driven before with the same opening line and it never fails to have the desired effect.

"Please do exactly as I say or we are going to die"

Had a slightly odd conversation with a neighbour the other day.

Me : "Hey! You're new lodger is a midget!"
Her: "You can't say that! He's a Person of Restricted Growth!"
Me : "Yeah, a dwarf"
Her: "You can't say that either Dinners! It isn't politically correct!"
Me : "So he's a PORG then"
Her: "A what??"
Me : "Person of Restricted Growth...PORG...although if I was a midget I'd prefer midget or dwarf to PORG personally"
Her: "You'll get arrested one day Dinners. Saying 'Peek-a-boo' to those muzzie women with their faces covered"
Me: "Not my fauilt if the silly bitches haven't a sense of humour!"
Her: "And what about that Somalian you punched?"
Me: "But he called my Somalian driving student a 'whore' for being in a car with a white man!...I'm protective of my students I am"
Her: "But what about the one you punched over that stray dog?"
Me : "I didn't punch him! I just gave him a small slap is all!...Anyroad...I had to block the road to stop the dog getting run over. He had no right to have a go at me for holding him up when he could see I was rescuing a dog. This is ENGLAND! We're a nation of animal lovers. If he doesn't like it he can piss off back to Somalia and starve like the rest of 'em are! Besides, the dogs owners gave me a tenner for saving the daft pooch"
Her: "And what about the one's next door to you renting that house then?"
Me: "What about 'em?"
Her: "Did you or did you not have them complain to the police because you interrupt their prayer time?"
Me: "If I have have to listen to 'em wailing to bloody Mecca and watch 'em shove their arses in the air in the back garden then they can get a blast of The Sex Pistols full volume. Only fair"
Her: "Fair? What's fair about The Pistols on full volume?"
Me: "This is England babe"

At which point she gave up, turned away in a huff and tripped over the kerb.

There IS justice!...;-)

Laters and let's be careful out there eh?

Thursday, 21 July 2011


So there yer go............

Humanity sucks....

Poor poor bastards....we really don't know do we?...

Nite humanity....have fun eh?......While you can eh?,,,,,Everything ends you know...and you will as sure as the Dinosaurs did......We're screwed.

Oh well...never mind....I can drink voddy as the Earth dies screaming.....can't we all?

What a fucking depressive post...sorry...I can't help thinking we're screwed....

Mainly because we are.

And we bloody well deserve to be.

Nite peeps and let's be careful out there eh?....

Tomorrow will be more cheerful...honest!!!!....;-)

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Does Anyone Else Out There Attract Madness?

I took Caz...aka Carol....aka The Wifey....aka The Management to work this morning.

Traditionally 'supplies' are purchased in the evening but, for some unknown reason, I decided to purchase a cigarette supply from a shop on my way home in the morning. A shop I have never frequented before.

"WELL HELLOOO MATE!!!" said the shopkeeper (SK) who I've never seen in my life before.

Me : " Mayfair Cigarettes please" I replied slightly uncertainly.

SK : "60? You having a good session with some bird then?"

Me : "Sorry?"

SK : "A good session mate! Lots of smokes in between eh?"

Me : No comment...just a slightly bewildered expression which SK patently failed to notice.

SK : "I tried it on with the wife last night. You know what she said?...Put the bloody kettle on!"

Me : ""

SK : "Mind you when I say a good session I reckon you're thinking 'I could be so lucky mate' eh? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

Me : " suppose so"

SK : "Damn right! Takes me 6 fucking months to get randy at my age and what does the bitch do?....Tells me to put the bloody kettle on! I ask you! What a fucking life eh?"

Me : "Does she take sugar?"

SK : "You what???"

Me : "In her tea? or two?"

SK : "What are you on about mate? Here's you're cigarettes...60 right?"

Me : "Er...yeah...thanks...

SK : "Lovely to see you again mate! Have a great session eh?!!!!!"

Me : "Er...ok...ta...cheers....bye"

SK : "Let me know how it goes!!!! Give her one for me eh?!!!"

Buying cigarettes around here has apparently become a rather odd process.

I would try nicotine patches and stop but, after today, I'm terrified what the Chemist might say to me.

How?...Why?....How and why do I seem to attract insane people? Even when I go in a shop to buy something mundane like cigarettes?

He didn't look crazy when I walked isn't my fault....honest!!!

Laters and let's be careful out there eh?

Monday, 18 July 2011


When I was a small boy I had a best pal. His name was, and is, Gary Alan Turner. I was known as Bammy - an abreviation of my surname. He was my best pal for a long while after I was a small boy.....

Gary, or Gaz as he was then, convinced me to move to London to share a bedsitter.

Prior to that we'd shared pretty much everything else you could think of - apart from each others bodies...we weren't that way inclined. Beer, women (or girls at that time), fights, getting bollocked by parents and police.

We were pretty wild kids to be honest - although not especially malicious.

We did everything together. Played football for the school team, smoked cigarettes behind the school army cadet truck, shagged girls in the school army cadet truck....

Gary has 4 brothers. David, the oldest, Paul, Nigel and Graham.

One night, in the bedsit in Hounslow, Gary rang home to discover his baby brother Graham had a burst appendix and was gravely ill.

We hitched a lift back up north in an articulated lorry.

The driver kept getting drowsy and saying he had to stop so me and Gary took turns driving this massive truck (at the ages of 19 and without even a car licence) up the motorway heading north.

Not only did we, and many many other car drivers survive this lunacy, more importantly, Graham survived.

I probably spent more time around Gary's house than I did my own. His mum and dad were my mum and dad to me. His brothers were the brothers I'd always wished I had - selfishly so there was someone else for The Dragon to beat up.

At 21 years old he married - too young. He was trying to grow up and mature, I was heading down a very slippery alcohol and drug induced slope. We were growing apart. He'd protected me for so long he had to move on, with or without me.

Entirely because of my penchant for self destruction we eventually lost touch after I caused a fight at his wedding and, as he has admitted, he thought 'Bammy're lost...I can't stop this...I tried' - and he bloody well did try too.

This was the days before mobile phones and the internet so, when you 'lost touch' it was hard to find anyone again. Of course I could have contacted his mum and dad but I was far too wrapped up in self destruction to think of anything obvious like that.

By the time I met Caz - who saved me from myself - it was all a long time ago and, well, I didn't think anyone from those days would want to know me.

At the age of 49 Gary contacted me on 'Friends Reunited'......'I think it's time we had a beer' he said.

My daughter drove me to the appointed pub and I walked in and immediately recognised him after 28 years.

It felt like I'd seen him last week.

Is it weird?

Since that day we're close close as we were all those years ago. His son told me he was quite tearful that evening when he got home. So was I.

There's a few - more than a few - cracking tales of what Gaz 'n Bammy got up to but, for now, I have my pal back. And even better, after meeting his first younger brother Paul on a trip up north last year, I got to meet the other brothers this weekend at Gary and Cassie's Silver Wedding bash.

"You haven't changed a bit have you Bammy?" they said - which may quite possibly be a worry.

Caz took a while to get used to everyone there calling me 'Bammy' as it's not a name she's particularly familiar with. EVERYONE called me 'Bammy'.....I felt like a kid again!

Paul hadn't made it down in person but his sons were there......"BAMMY!...We grew up hearing about you! Everybody said you must be dead!!"....oh dear....

"You were a name that never went away Bammy!" said Nigel, "Tales of you were told many a night"

Gary's dad died many moons ago but I have been to see 'mum' a couple of times.

"We never forgot you Bammy. I'm so glad you're alright now" she said to me.

The Silver Wedding was slightly unreal to me. My pal? Silver Wedding?....Still, I've had one with Caz so I suppose time happens and stuff happens.

Oldest brother David smiled at me benevolently and, I suspect, wondered how the hell I was still around - although he seemed genuinely pleased that I was.

I hadn't seen, or spoken, to my adopted brothers for over 34 years and it might as well have been yesterday.

If you ever want to understand the true meaning of the word 'PALS' it's here. Gary and his brothers.

Caz never gave up on me. Gary and his brothers never did - apart from considering the possibility I was dead.

Still, I'm not so I was there and I'm so glad and happy I was.

Thanks Gaz. The kids you grow up with are the kids who remember you and the kids who'll always be there for you - when they finally find you again.


Bammy 'n Gaz
Bammy 'n Dave
Bammy, Gaz 'n Dave
Bammy, Gaz 'n Dave singing 'Heroes' in's a looong story....
My best PAL ever...always

When you find a true PAL...never lose them...never lose touch with them....keep them. You'll never replace them...

Gary told Cassie (who I met for only the second time that night....she's a babe!!!...that if they made 25 years he would sing 'Hero' to Spanish...AND HE DID!!!! INCREDIBLE!!! THE OLD BUGGER CAN SING!!!....I wondered why he asked me to print this songs lyrics out in Spanish at 11:30 pm the night before....we all sang along - although we reverted to English in the end....after THAT much alcohol English was hard enough!!!

Cassie cried a bit. My old PAL is an old romantic after all...he's also something of a hero of quite like the song I hasten to add!!! ;-)

Sing along now!!!.......and I'm nicking Gary's idea.....for you Carol.....totally for you xxx

Laters and let's be careful out there....

Friday, 15 July 2011

Fat Kids

Now look.

Saying someone is 'fat' is now classed as politically incorrect.


You're fat. FAT FAT FAT.

Fat means you are eating too much and you are on the way to heart problems and diabetes and such like..

I am 'overweight'. I need to lose about 2 stone. I am not yet obese but, compared to healthy people, I AM fat. At least fat(ish)

Do I have a problem with anyone sayng I'm fat?

Yep. I'm not. At least not in comparison to so many kids and parents who wobble along our streets every day of the week.

Compared to them I'm a male Kate Moss.

You can't say 'fat' upsets them.


Look you FAT piece of lard. Lose weight. FAT is NOT attractive. If you are FAT you are NOT attractive to anyone unless they are slightly perverted and have a perversion for 'fatness'.

At 53 I have a bit of a 'tummy'....possibly years of glorious alcohol abuse or possibly because I am now middle aged and the only excercise I get is blinking occasionally....I could mention many many many curries but that is probably a 'given' in my case..

If you have a child who is obese you are both stupid and cruel (unless in the highly unlikely eventuality they have a genuine problem that includes obesity)

99% of children are FAT because their parents have allowed them to be FAT and, are probably FAT themselves.

Some Doctor has suggested 'fat kids' need to be taken away from their parents and 'slimmed down'.

I agree.

FAT is not physically or visually attractive. Sorry Beth Ditto. Great voice but you are a tub of lard. Perhaps more to the point it's down right unhealthy.......


Slightly delicate territory here.

My bestest pal and baby bro, Barnsley Sime, is not small by any estimation.

He would even openly admit that he is not slim...indeed...he would openly admit that he is FAT....Very obese actually.

I love the guy. He is my baby bro.

He is, however, going to die before me (probably).


He is very FAT.

Admitedly a Scooter accident resulting in him almost losing his foot and restricting his mobility has hardly helped....

As I said above...there are exceptions to why people become obese.....however...there are also ways of addressing obesity even in extremiss.

Getting excercise when you can't walk much is somewhat tricky at best.

I believe Sime was 'big lad' before his accident so obesity was only around the corner and avoiding said corner was nigh on impossible after the accident...or was it?

I can't preach.

My belly stops me from preaching. My insatiable consumption of curry stops me from preaching.

I can change things.

Sime - with considerably more difficulty than me - can change things. FAT adults can change things should they so desire.

Even if, for medical reasons or circumstances they can't - or find it impossible to....

Kids can't.

If their parents - mainly fatties in my experience - continue to allow their kids to become increasingly 'fatties' then, albeit they love their kids, they have lost the right to keep them.

The current 'politically correct' world we live in is allowing parents who are, usually, fat, to make their kids fat as well.

That is unforgivable. It is 'child abuse'.

Be fat and happy by all means but don't visit your 'fatness' on your kids.

Am I in trouble again?...Probably... the world we live in I am categorised as 'FAT' so if a 'fattie' can't say this who the fuck can???


Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Get A Grip

Billions of pounds to India and Pakistan...Countries that are spending billions building up their own nuclear arsenals - not to mention Space programmes

...Billions spent on illegal wars in Afghanistan and Libya....Billions given to The European Union.....Billions spent on absolute shite....'absolute shite' being a very accurate description of The European Union.

And I thought I was insane.

Care homes closing down. The elderley forced to sell the inheritance they wanted to leave their children just to stay alive....without anything approaching genuine care even when they do...

"Change his catheter love? Nooooo...he's a bloody nuisance!"

Much more of this and I'm a rocket don't really need to be a rocket scientist do you?

Can't we just kill ALL the politicians and just start again?

Look after the old people....teach kids respect and teach them how to be decent human beings....including the odd 'clip around the earhole' if required...

Don't crucify teachers who clip some obnoxious little oik around the ear for being an obnoxious little oik.

Don't tell the people of Britain they have to suffer 'cuts' as you tell them giving billions to the European Union is a good idea.

Don't tell the people of Britain that giving billions to India and Pakistan to save their starving people is a good idea when they're developing space technology for millions and billions of pounds.

Tell India to ground their fucking rockets and feed their people.

Tell India we'll ignore their starving children (as much as it might hurt) and let the poor little buggers die if we have to.

Will somebody please wake up and sniff the coffee?

Compared to the morons who seem to be 'running the show' I am, indeed, a rocket scientist.

If that isn't a worry then we really are doomed.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011


Now THAT was a bloody loooooong way to drive....just there, let alone back as well!!!

Getting there was a loooong way...getting back was virtually infinity!!!!

'I close my eye's and count to ten'.....Tracey Ullman...oh dear Dinners...wakey wakey!!!!

I attended the wedding of 'Shoe' and 'Vespa' aka Shoe Shine (Neil...not THIS Neil I hasten to add) and Sue.

I learnt a valuable lesson.

Never attend a wedding/disco in a part of England that has always been 'alien' to you because you won't have a bloody clue what anyone is saying.

'Yer canny mon'

Lesson Two. Attend regardless of Lesson 1 as you'll have a ball!!!

'Yer canny mon' apparently means, in some semblence of English, 'We like you'.

An extraordinary weekend seeing two people marry because they love each other.

A cracking reception tied into a 'scooter rally'. The company of my adopted baby brother Barnsley Sime being a lovely bonus.

The booze flowed, Dinners got insanely drunk for two nights and....woke up in a tent in the field of a rugby club called Bishop Auckland having no idea why he was in a tent or why he was in the field of a rugby club.

Now if that doesn't make a good time I don't know what does.

Fuck me sideways. How I have made 53 is a mystery to not only me, but, quite conceivably, medical science.

I love the MAKEMS and, perhaps, slightly worryingly, the MAKEMS seem to love me.

I'm MINT I am.....I'm CANNY I am...The MAKEMS said there!!!!!

MAKEMS are, frankly, beautiful people.

I know. I was looked after by them.

Shoe Shine? Vespa? Trev? Gavin? Tush et al.


Later's and let's be careful out there eh?

Thursday, 7 July 2011

They don't MAKEM like that anymore...

Right...I'm off.

Picking up Barnsley Sime tomorrow...then off to Sunderland for a wedding.

Laters peeps...

...and be careful out there eh?