Happy Christmas War Is Starting

John Lennon was, clearly, the eternal optimist to write 'Happy Christmas, War is over'....you would have thought he'd have realised humanity are never happier than when they're blowing the crap out of other bits of humanity.

Take the 'World Wars I & II' for example. I've lost track of the number of people I've spoken to in the past who claimed, in all seriousness, the happiest times of their lives were when the world was kicking the shit out of itself.

The general reasoning seems to be thus....

A portion of the world gets together and agrees that another portion of the world are loonies.

The first portion, having reached said agreement, then bomb the crap out of the loonies and, in the process, all those who are from the section of the world that has agreed just who the loonies are have a jolly good time - obviously excepting the ones who get blown up fighting the loonies of course along with their relatives who have to receive them home in body bags....assuming there's enough left for a body bag....

The Arab world is in disarray.....The Muslim Brotherhood, whoever the hell they are, seem to be slowly taking control....which is clearly a BAD THING if you happen to be other than muslim over there....and, potentially, over here or anywhere else ultimately come to that.

Fuhrer Merkel in Germany and Napoleon Sarkozy in France seem hell bent on creating a European super state under primarily German domination with Sarkozy cheerfully playing the modern role of Vichy France.

The Argies want to have some slogan about 'owning' The Falkland Islands on their Olympic outfits, China continues to look even bigger than it does on world maps, North Korea may or may not nuke South Korea, Iran may or may not nuke any country the mad Mullah's can reach, Israel's Mossad continues to assassinate any and every Iranian nuclear scientist it can find, Call Me Dave Cameron continues to pretend he's still on the playing fields of Eton or wherever he went as the country goes to the dogs...or, more accurately, immigrants, and the world continues to turn...for now....

Obama continues to be America's Prez whilst not actually seeming to do anything other than get hammered by some strange mob who apparently like tea.

Putin in Russia looks like he would like The Soviet Union back if we wouldn't mind awfully

....and, most worryingly of all, Oldham Athletic continue to look unlikely candidates to ever return to the Premiership.

Oh well....

There's always curry and vodka.

I will be inordinantly pissed off if the Mayans are right you know.

The world can't possibly end on December the 22nd!!! That's my birthday!!!

...I could live with the 23rd at a pinch...at least I could have a curry, a few beers and a good shag the night before....

laters...and let's be careful out there eh?...least until December 22nd.....

Does Anyone Else Out There Attract Madness?

I took Caz...aka Carol....aka The Wifey....aka The Management to work this morning.

Traditionally 'supplies' are purchased in the evening but, for some unknown reason, I decided to purchase a cigarette supply from a shop on my way home in the morning. A shop I have never frequented before.

"WELL HELLOOO MATE!!!" said the shopkeeper (SK) who I've never seen in my life before.

Me : "Er...howdo...er....60 Mayfair Cigarettes please" I replied slightly uncertainly.

SK : "60? You having a good session with some bird then?"

Me : "Sorry?"

SK : "A good session mate! Lots of smokes in between eh?"

Me : No comment...just a slightly bewildered expression which SK patently failed to notice.

SK : "I tried it on with the wife last night. You know what she said?...Put the bloody kettle on!"

Me : "Oh....er....I see....um..."

SK : "Mind you when I say a good session I reckon you're thinking 'I could be so lucky mate' eh?...eh? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

Me : "Er...well...um...I suppose so"

SK : "Damn right! Takes me 6 fucking months to get randy at my age and what does the bitch do?....Tells me to put the bloody kettle on! I ask you! What a fucking life eh?"

Me : "Does she take sugar?"

SK : "You what???"

Me : "In her tea?...Sugar...er...one or two?"

SK : "What are you on about mate? Here's you're cigarettes...60 right?"

Me : "Er...yeah...thanks...

SK : "Lovely to see you again mate! Have a great session eh?...eh?....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

Me : "Er...ok...ta...cheers....bye"

SK : "Let me know how it goes!!!! Give her one for me eh?....eh?....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Buying cigarettes around here has apparently become a rather odd process.

I would try nicotine patches and stop but, after today, I'm terrified what the Chemist might say to me.

How?...Why?....How and why do I seem to attract insane people? Even when I go in a shop to buy something mundane like cigarettes?

He didn't look crazy when I walked in...it isn't my fault....honest!!!

Laters and let's be careful out there eh?....eh?.....