Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Does Anyone Else Out There Attract Madness?

I took Caz...aka Carol....aka The Wifey....aka The Management to work this morning.

Traditionally 'supplies' are purchased in the evening but, for some unknown reason, I decided to purchase a cigarette supply from a shop on my way home in the morning. A shop I have never frequented before.

"WELL HELLOOO MATE!!!" said the shopkeeper (SK) who I've never seen in my life before.

Me : " Mayfair Cigarettes please" I replied slightly uncertainly.

SK : "60? You having a good session with some bird then?"

Me : "Sorry?"

SK : "A good session mate! Lots of smokes in between eh?"

Me : No comment...just a slightly bewildered expression which SK patently failed to notice.

SK : "I tried it on with the wife last night. You know what she said?...Put the bloody kettle on!"

Me : ""

SK : "Mind you when I say a good session I reckon you're thinking 'I could be so lucky mate' eh? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

Me : " suppose so"

SK : "Damn right! Takes me 6 fucking months to get randy at my age and what does the bitch do?....Tells me to put the bloody kettle on! I ask you! What a fucking life eh?"

Me : "Does she take sugar?"

SK : "You what???"

Me : "In her tea? or two?"

SK : "What are you on about mate? Here's you're cigarettes...60 right?"

Me : "Er...yeah...thanks...

SK : "Lovely to see you again mate! Have a great session eh?!!!!!"

Me : "Er...ok...ta...cheers....bye"

SK : "Let me know how it goes!!!! Give her one for me eh?!!!"

Buying cigarettes around here has apparently become a rather odd process.

I would try nicotine patches and stop but, after today, I'm terrified what the Chemist might say to me.

How?...Why?....How and why do I seem to attract insane people? Even when I go in a shop to buy something mundane like cigarettes?

He didn't look crazy when I walked isn't my fault....honest!!!

Laters and let's be careful out there eh?


  1. Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh ... Good Evening 4D (11:30pm Dallas) ... when I first seen your title, I first thought of that band "Madness", and startes hearing that song in my head of that hit they had "Our house in the middle of our street" (or whatever the title was). Smoking(?) I still smoke too Guy (Marlboro Light's), but that is the only true vice I still have, and my past had some hard vice's, I am/ was addicted to cocaine for several year's, and had an opium addiction, so I know addiction, believe me. Thanx for the funnies Guy ....

  2. Did you ask for a smoke?
    Maybe he thought you wanted a fag ;-)

    PS:Word verification is Cherifur : that should turn Tony Blair on :-)

  3. To quote Iron Maiden (will be seeing them for sons 21st birthday treat (can I call it a treat now he's 21?) at The O2 on 5th Aug!)

    "Can I play with Madness" I wondered at the time if Messrs Harris, Dickinson, Murray et. al. had suddenly considered a radical change of genre to be a two tone ska band... Sorry what the hell am I on about?

  4. King Lear?

    King Lear Act 3, scene 4, 21 "Oh, that way madness lies..."