Did You Ever.....?

Have you ever used those toilets with a timer on the light?

We had one of those at Menzies World Cargo at Heathrow Airport....I assume they still do. If you sat on the pan for too long the light would go out.

Marvellous if you'd tottered into work suffering from dia...dairre....the shits yeah?

Happened to hear some'at on TV that reminded me of a particularly unfortunate episode regarding timed toilets....two actually.....

Sadly, both involved yours truly....

On one occasion I did indeed crawl into work for Menzies World Cargo whilst suffering severely from an attack of the shits.

I retired to the required place and sat on the pan.

Several minutes later it was clear that leaving the pan was not advisable so I sensibly remained ensconsed.

The lights went out. Just like that. Blink.

It appeared the time had run out for anyone to be so ensconsed....having the 'shits' not, seemingly, being taken into account by the powers that be...no change there then.....'why should we pay you for you having a crap eh?' would probably have been their come back....

I frantically waved my arms about - realising that the lights were regulated by 'movement'.

Nothing. Clearly the 'movement' had to be outside the cubicle.

Fair enough.

I found the lock and, bent double, trousers around the ankles, I tottered out like a particularly demented version of Quasimodo and waved my arms about.

The lights came back on and, as they did, a complete stranger walked through the door of the toilets.

He was new to the company and hadn't, at this point, joined the Union.

I, at this point, was the Acting Convenor of said Union therefore the most highly placed Union Official in the company.

He gazed at this apparition before him.....The Acting Union Convenor, trousers around ankles and waving his arms about....

"Have you filled in your Union Membership form yet?" I asked.

For some unfathomable reason I don't believe he ever did....

Since becoming a Driving Instructor I have had recourse to need a toilet urgently suffering from a similar affliction to that mentioned above.

There is a 'pay for use' toilet at Hatton Cross at Heathrow and I needed it badly.

I parked up and rushed to said toilet facility.

It would only open if you inserted 50 pence. I didn't have 50 pence.

After kicking it a few times I resigned myself to the fact I had to get a 50 pence piece.

After a number of failed attempts to prize 50 p from several foreigners scatterd about Hatton Cross I threatened one with dismemberment and aquired 50 p.

I placed said 50 p in the door and it opened.

I rushed to the toilet and dropped my trousers, settling down with a relieved 'sigh'.

A 'Flood of Budgies' ensued...and if you don't know what that means...a bit of imagination eh?

I was relieved in every sense of the word.

I then proceeeded, as you do, to wipe my bottom.

At this point I felt quite chilly...a breeze seemed to be emanating from somewhere.

I had no idea that you had to actually press a button to close the door....which, I hasten to add, was quite a distance from the required receptacle hence I hadn't actually noticed I was exposed in no uncertain terms to the local transient populace at Hatton Cross.

Several foreign personages were peering into my private ablutions, clearly fascinated with the 'method' employed by the English.....

Is it any wonder I fucking hate Heathrow Airport?

Just came to mind via some'at I heard on TV a few minutes back.

Fuck off Michael McIntyre.....funny bastard!

Laters n let's be careful out there eh?