DILLIGAF II

Rocket Science and Common Sense...WHAT???

2012-02-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

Now apart from having a ludicrously silly beard and an even more ridiculous name - which alone should result in him being shot at dawn (or any other convenient time of the day if you ask me) - Abu Qatada is to be released from prison.

It is clearly proven by those who do things like clearly prove things that Abu Qatada is strongly connected to 'Call Me' Al Qaeda - who are clearly mad as hatters and seem to enjoy blowing things up, not least themselves.

Let's face it...any organisation that doesn't follow 'Q' with 'U' is clearly not all there.....

Unfortunately, it appears that there are insufficient numbers of 'Call Me' Al Qaeda blowing themselves up to remove them all from the face of the Earth.

'Call Me' Al Qaeda operatives such as Abu Qatada prefer to convince their Islamic minions to blow themselves up rather than demonstrate to their minions.....this is, to my way of thinking, somewhat unfortunate.

Abu Qatada has cost the British tax payer lots and lots and lots of tax payers money to be kept alive and relatively well in one of Her Majesties Prisons.

He could have been shot - quite easily. MI5...or 6 or whoever the hell it is...could have blown the mad bastards brains out and saved us..the tax payer..a small fortune.

Instead, he has been locked away until some idiotic court - clearly influenced by Europe (oh dear) - decided he should be released.

Apparently the British Government want to kick him out to some Arab place to stand trial for terrorism but the courts have said 'NO' as they believe he would be tortured.

And?

I've often wondered over the last decade or so whether 'the law' can even comprehend what the term 'common sense' means anymore....

When you have such a silly name - not to mention beard - then, frankly, you deserve all you get - unless the British courts stick their oar in - then, it appears, you don't get what you deserve.

I think I may change my name by deed poll to Mohammed Ali Akbar and shoot several hundred politicians....I'd get away with it according to the European courts...I wonder if that would work?...;-)

Let's be careful out there...

HERE WE GO HERE WE GO HERE WE GO...OOOOOO!!!

2012-02-03T12:30:00.000-08:00

Plod and the Tax Man are after Harry Redknapp.

This only enhances and confirms my long held suspicions that we haven't lived in a democracy for yonks. (That means a loooong time for those unused to certain English dialects)

Harry is very wealthy. No argument there. As such he is, perhaps, no longer part of the 'common man' - am I allowed to say 'common man' anymore?....perhaps it should be 'common person' but when did I give a fuck for political correctness?

Some bus driver in Brighton is in trouble for calling a female passenger 'babe' for fucks sake.....if I'm a dinosaur then, frankly, I'm glad I am. The 'bird' who complained at being called 'babe' really needs to get a life in a big way.....

'Real Ale' is a BIG THING in various pubs...well it is if you're a 'real ale' drinker anyroad. Personally I'm not. I prefer lager.....Kronenberg, Stella Artois et al.....

Never the less I admire those who support 'real ale' as 'real ale' is a tradition, particularly of England.

There is a 'real ale' by the name of 'TOP TOTTY'.

This particular 'real ale' has a badge of a good looking young lady in a bikini....not the young...er....old dog in the pic by the way....this is MP Kate Green's ugly mush superimposed....is there a jealous side to her objections?....NEVER!!!

This particular 'real ale' is now banned from the House Of Commons because some stupid bint...aka..brainless woman....aka humourless bitch...aka frigid sow...aka politician objected to the badge and name as 'demeaning to women'.

A worryingly significantly large number of people in this divvy cows hometown elected her to Parliament.

Her name is Kate Green...I have no idea which area she represents and I'd rather not know frankly.

Kate Green is clearly a numpty of the highest order. She's also not particularly attractive by any stretch of the imagination....

...more worryingly...she's been democratically elected to represent some place in Britain.

If there was ever a more clear indicator that democracy has died then please let me know...

....be careful what you order to drink out there eh?...The thought police are moving in...

Harry And The Bullys

2012-02-01T11:20:00.000-08:00

Harry Redknapp was a decent enough footballer for West Ham United, Bournemouth and, as his playing career tailed off, Seattle Sounders of the long defunct North American Soccer League.

It was in management that he really came into his own.

After a short spell as Assistant manager at Bournemouth he was handed the job of Manager after Don megson was sacked with bournemouth perilously close to relegation. Harry saved the day and they stayed up.

In 1990 he almost died in an horrific car crash in Italy but fortunately survived to go on to manage West Ham United after a three season spell as Assistant manager to Hammers legend Billy Bonds.

Quite how he managed to keep West Ham bobbing about the 'top tier' of English football is a mystery.

On one glorious occasion he announced live on TV that, due to injuries, The Hammers were 'down to the bare bones'....meaning they didn't have enough players to field a genuine team......

Harry's extraordinary ability to make 'something out of nothing' in footballing terms has long been legendary.

Football fans around the country love him. Even if they hate the team he's managing they still love Harry - and I am no exception.

Success at Portsmouth led to a brief spell managing Southampton - Portsmouths arch rivals. Few managers could do that and then return to Portsmouth immediately forgiven by Portsmouth fans....Harry did.

At the end of 2005 he was given an opportunity to manage Tottenham Hotspur. A long time under acheivers club in the old First Division and, since it's inception, The Premiership.

Harry has, in no uncertain terms, turned Spurs into a supurb footballing side...quite capable of surprising both Manchester clubs by nicking the Premiership Title from under their noses...certainly a long shot this season but next season?

Harry is so beloved by football supporters up and down the land he is - by a clear mile - the 'peoples choice' for England Manager.....even arch Spurs rivals Arsenal supporters agree...if only to rid Spurs of a great manager!..;-)

So....what happens to 'our Harry' eh?

The 'authorities'.....the 'powers that be' go after him for income tax evasion.

A bank account in Monaco in the name of one of his dogs.

The 'authorities'...the 'powers that be' really really really don't get it do they?

Politician Peter Mandelson avoids prosecution for fraud twice and is made a 'Lord' and given a seat in the House Of Lords.

Harry Redknapp is hounded by 'the powers that be' for possible (and who can blame him if it's true) tax evasion.

I am SO FUCKING ANGRY I COULD CHEERFULLY TAKE A FUCKING SUB-MACHINE GUN, WALK INTO THE HOUSE OF LORDS OR THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT AND BLOW THE BASTARDS AWAY!!!!!!....ESPECIALLY BLIAR AND MANDELSON....THEY'RE THE FUCKING CROOKS......HOW DARE YOU GO AFTER HARRY!!!!!

Leave Harry alone you total scumbags.

Just leave him the fuck alone.

Good luck Harry....for all us football fans...and for all ordinary sane people....

BEAT THE BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!

Fundamentalist Squirrels

2012-01-21T10:18:00.000-08:00

On July 7th, 2005 a bunch of morons blew up a London bus, a tube train carriage and failed abyssmally to blow anything else up. It is, I'm sure, small concellation to the families and friends of the victims but at least the bloody idiots blew themselves up at the same time.

Now I've long puzzled about suicide bombers - as far as I know it's primarily, if not totallly, an Islamic sort of thing. I don't recall the IRA or The Red Brigade or Shining Path or any other terrorist dickheads blowing themselves up with their bombs....well, not intentionally anyroad.

I suppose, sooner or later, it'll happen again. Stands to reason really. When you allow 'the enemy' to live within your borders you're kind of asking for it aren't you.

I've often wondered who trains the suicide bombers. The advert for 'Suicide Bomber Trainer' must run pretty regularly in the Islamic press.

"Good morning, I am your trainer...I will only show you how to do this once"

Fundamental Islamists aren't the only 'suiciders' around though. Lately, more and more Squirrels and Foxes are at it.

Not blowing themselves up obviously - well I'm not aware of any terrorist Squirrels.

Urban Squirrels and Foxes have adapted to their enviroments destruction remarkabley well. Urban foxes are actually noticeably larger than their rural cousins as the food supply in towns is significantly greater than in the countryside. Squirrels too seem to be thriving.

So why, I wonder, are there so many squashed ones on the roads?

If they've adapted so successfully to urban dwelling, how come they haven't adapted to the car?...not in the driving sense I hasten to add...I'll teach pretty much anyone to drive but draw the line at squirrels...

How come they can't seem to get it?

You run in the road when a bus is coming you get squashed.

They've lived in urban areas long enough for them to understand this. They've had more than enough time for their instincts to adapt to this.

I can only assume that a number of squirrels - and foxes - have a natural inclination to commiting suicide.

Thereby leading to the logical conclusion that a percentage of squirrels and foxes have converted to Islamic fundamentalism.

Now that's what logic does for you.....

Laters, and let's be careful of exploding squirrels out there.....

Who IS In Charge?....Just Wondering....

2012-01-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

Now when Britain holds a General Election nobody wins. Sometimes Labour or Conservative get 30 odd percent of the vote outright and form a Government. This has always struck me as slightly bizarre seeing as a good 60 odd percent clearly haven't voted for them so it puzzles me quite how they can claim to have 'won' and got a mandate from the electorate. Perhaps I'm just stupid.

In a nutshell, this is more or less how the 'first past the post' system of democracy works. The only alternative seemingly being 'proportional representation' whereby nobody can ever win, ever.... and we're left with a constant 'hung Parliament' - which would be good if it meant we could hang them but sadly it doesn't - and we would probably have what we have now in perpetuity. Two political parties joining forces to 'run the show'.

However, it appears that two political parties joining up to 'run the show' are no better at being in charge than one party on its own has shown itself to be historically. (or if you prefer, hysterically)...

As you gaze at a map you see to Britain's East a rather large bit called Europe. We are, unfortunately, currently considered a part of this large bit called Europe thus enabling lots of other people who are part of this large bit to come to our own small bit (Britain).

This has proven to be not a good thing as many shops on our high streets previously with signs saying 'Grocers' and/or 'Newsagents' and/or 'General Stores' now say 'Polskie Sklep' thereby rendering them entirely useless to English people as we have no idea what worrying things may lurk within.

At least when the Asians took over our Bonaparte mantle of 'a nation of shokeepers' they kept the words on the signs so we knew more or less what to expect inside - admittedly, initially, odd looking things like Chicken Korma's appeared in the freezers but, in general, this was a small price to pay for being able to get a pint of milk on a Sunday or at 8 o'clock in the evening and know that, whatever else was in the shop you could get a newspaper, a pint of milk and a loaf of bread......

As Brussels, which for the geographically challenged is not a foul tasting vegetable but the capital of Belgium, is the home of lots of things 'European' including the awful 'European Court of Human Rights' it appears that 'they' may actually be 'in charge' over here too.

With the permission of Fuehrer Merkel and Germany of course....

They won't let us kick out terrorists as said terrorists are entitled to a family life and their pet cat would suffer terribly if they were kicked out to face quite reasonable charges in another country.

It's bad enough that the 'Europeans' seem to be in charge rather more than our dubiously elected home grown politicians but it's really coming to something when the bloody Americans are in charge over here too!!!

If you're still looking at the map you'll find America is on the left after the big blue thing......

Now I like America and Americans generally speaking. Those I have met have been incredibly open and friendly and the country itself is always good for a laugh - The Tea Party spring eternally to mind - and let's face it, what other country on Earth would elect as their President a man whose first name sounds like he's clearing his throat?

Gary McKinnon suffers from Aspergers Syndrome - a form of Autism. Like many who suffer this awful affliction, he is extraordinarily talented at a specific thing. In his case computers. So talented that he successfully 'hacked' into top secret things in America. He didn't do this to 'spy' but to look for evidence of aliens - and not the illegal type Europe won't let us kick out either - the 'little green men' type.

As a result America want him extradited so they can incarcerate him for 128 years or whatever.

The natural assumption of anybody, even if mildly short of seriously deranged, would be that Britain would respond to America with a polite "Sorry chaps, he's English and a sandwich short of a picnic so leave it to us chaps. Tally Ho!"

But no. We apparently have signed a treaty allowing Gary to be extradited and, despite all common sense thought on the matter being that he should be dealt with carefully and humanely in his own country, given his Autism, and was clearly searching for little green men and not trying to sabotage Western Democracy the intention is to send him over to the Yanks for trial.

And now there is another one!

Richard O'Dwyer has not broken any laws in Britain - as Gary McKinnon hadn't.

Richard found a loop hole and used it. He put up links on his website that guided people to sites where they could watch and download movies for free thereby avioding any payment to the appropriate people who should have been paid for said movie watching.

A bit dodgy certainly. Unethical perhaps, but not illegal.

Now he is to be extradited to America to serve 952 years or whatever once found guilty. (Actually I think it's more in the region of 20 odd years but does that actually matter?)

He certainly made a good sum of money off the site through advertising - as the site was understandly popular he was paid by some to advertise their stuff on it - but he wasn't actually breaking any law.

So.

WHO IS IN CHARGE?

Apparently everybody apart from the British people.

Right. I'm off to the Polskie Sklep to see if they have any Chicken Korma's......

Laters and let's be careful out there...The Europeans, Americans and, quite possibly, the little green men are watching you!

Is It Wrong?.......Is It?????

2012-01-14T11:15:00.000-08:00

"Build a bonfire...

build a bonfire....

put politicians on the top....

put the muzzies in the middle...

and we'll burn the fucking lot"

Why is it so wrong to want YOUR country to be YOUR country? Why is it so politically incorrect to want this?

My Asian neighbours agree with me. My black friends agree with me - I happen to know this because I've asked them....

Come to that, my pal Mohammed Noor agrees with me...and, given he's called Mohammed it isn't rocket science to establish that he is muslim is it?

Now I'm not an aggessive man...generally....my friends know they can express THEIR opinions to me without fear of retribution because their opinions may differ to mine.

THIS IS ENGLAND.

This is NOT another country somewhere else in the world. THIS IS ENGLAND.

I AM (by the natural course of events...ie...birth) ENGLISH.

My pal Mo Noor took a driving lesson with me today. As we drove through Hayes Town I happened to say to him 'Peek-a-boo warning!!!' which I tend to say to all my students when we pass one of those ridiculous veiled creatures who seem to have taken a wrong turn at Islamabad and ended up here instead of Iran...

He cracked up.

He knows.

He knows he's my pal and I would never ever ever do anything to hurt him...or indeed his wife and child who have recently joined him from Kenya...his 18 month old daughter is absolutely beautiful by the way...and she gurgled and grinned at me as she sat in my lap the other night....she also crapped her nappy but that's babies for you eh?..;-)

He also knows I won't take shit from anyone or anywhere.

A Gold Card carrying member of the BNP with a pal who is a Kenyan muslim.

Chew on that left wing liberal elite.

I don't hate muslims like Mo Noor and his family...or the Mahmoods who have lived three doors down for longer than I've lived here....

I hate immigrants who don't appreciate...and respect...MY country.

...and there's far too many who fit right into THAT catregory.

Assimilate to England or suffer the consequences of thinking people like me...English people...will live with it...put up with it.

We won't.

You want to stay here and stay safe.....learn from Mo Noor and the Mahmoods. They appreciate the better life they've made over here and recognise that Islamabad isn't down the road from London or Manchester or Birmingham.

That's what we need my muslim friends.

...and that's what we'll, ultimately, get.....if you want to stay here and stay safe.

Even the English can say 'ENOUGH'...and you really don't want that to happen....

Trust me...I'm from Oldham...

Laters...and let's be careful out there...

Did You Ever.....?

2012-01-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

Have you ever used those toilets with a timer on the light?

We had one of those at Menzies World Cargo at Heathrow Airport....I assume they still do. If you sat on the pan for too long the light would go out.

Marvellous if you'd tottered into work suffering from dia...dairre....the shits yeah?

Happened to hear some'at on TV that reminded me of a particularly unfortunate episode regarding timed toilets....two actually.....

Sadly, both involved yours truly....

On one occasion I did indeed crawl into work for Menzies World Cargo whilst suffering severely from an attack of the shits.

I retired to the required place and sat on the pan.

Several minutes later it was clear that leaving the pan was not advisable so I sensibly remained ensconsed.

The lights went out. Just like that. Blink.

It appeared the time had run out for anyone to be so ensconsed....having the 'shits' not, seemingly, being taken into account by the powers that be...no change there then.....'why should we pay you for you having a crap eh?' would probably have been their come back....

I frantically waved my arms about - realising that the lights were regulated by 'movement'.

Nothing. Clearly the 'movement' had to be outside the cubicle.

Fair enough.

I found the lock and, bent double, trousers around the ankles, I tottered out like a particularly demented version of Quasimodo and waved my arms about.

The lights came back on and, as they did, a complete stranger walked through the door of the toilets.

He was new to the company and hadn't, at this point, joined the Union.

I, at this point, was the Acting Convenor of said Union therefore the most highly placed Union Official in the company.

He gazed at this apparition before him.....The Acting Union Convenor, trousers around ankles and waving his arms about....

"Have you filled in your Union Membership form yet?" I asked.

For some unfathomable reason I don't believe he ever did....

Since becoming a Driving Instructor I have had recourse to need a toilet urgently suffering from a similar affliction to that mentioned above.

There is a 'pay for use' toilet at Hatton Cross at Heathrow and I needed it badly.

I parked up and rushed to said toilet facility.

It would only open if you inserted 50 pence. I didn't have 50 pence.

After kicking it a few times I resigned myself to the fact I had to get a 50 pence piece.

After a number of failed attempts to prize 50 p from several foreigners scatterd about Hatton Cross I threatened one with dismemberment and aquired 50 p.

I placed said 50 p in the door and it opened.

I rushed to the toilet and dropped my trousers, settling down with a relieved 'sigh'.

A 'Flood of Budgies' ensued...and if you don't know what that means...a bit of imagination eh?

I was relieved in every sense of the word.

I then proceeeded, as you do, to wipe my bottom.

At this point I felt quite chilly...a breeze seemed to be emanating from somewhere.

I had no idea that you had to actually press a button to close the door....which, I hasten to add, was quite a distance from the required receptacle hence I hadn't actually noticed I was exposed in no uncertain terms to the local transient populace at Hatton Cross.

Several foreign personages were peering into my private ablutions, clearly fascinated with the 'method' employed by the English.....

Is it any wonder I fucking hate Heathrow Airport?

Just came to mind via some'at I heard on TV a few minutes back.

Fuck off Michael McIntyre.....funny bastard!

Laters n let's be careful out there eh?

Jingle Bombs

2012-01-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

Well...there we have it...another year over...another Chrissie gone...pretty peaceful and enjoyable time too - unless you happened to be in a church in Nigeria and on the receiving end of the Islamists....

Never mind...we're safe...it could never happen over here could it?

Had a cracker myself - hope you did too.

House all decked out with a wonky tree.....either the tree was leaning or I was...probably me...

Radio and TV is full of advertisements for giving your hard earned to some kids in Africa or wherever so they don't shuffle off cause their Dictator or dodgy government won't pay up to save them....sorry kids...if your own kind won't help you're screwed...buggered if I will...Bah Humbug eh?

Only Christmas spirit worth it is vodka...;-)

Courtesy of the Senior and Junior Management my Doctor Who Box Sets is now complete with both Matt Smith's series so I feel a 'Doctor Who Day' coming on....Rise at 10...slob in the arm chair watching every episode from Christopher Ecclestone's supurb one series outing through David Tennants extraordinary time and, I've finally got Tennant out of my system and started appreciating matt Smith's efforts.

A day of Doctor Who supplemented with bacon sandwiches and vodka......can't wait!!!

Jax aka The Junior Management was home for most of Chrissie - went out with 'the girls' one night but spent the rest either here or in Essex with Max. It was soooooo good to have her home!!!

Caz aka The Senior Management continued to decline making a personal appearance on DILLIGAF II - wise lady that she is.....I did, however, manage to coax her down The 5 Bells in Harmondsworth for New Years Eve and she admitted she bloody well enjoyed herself!!!

Jax headed off in the general direction of Trafalgar Square for New Years Eve - hope she wore a coat...it wasn't THAT bloody warm!!!...;-)

New Years Resolutions?

Carry on carrying on mainly. Say what I mean and mean what I say.

I think I may have startled a few SFRadio peeps during my January 2nd 2011 Review Show when they saw my BNP link on this blog. Tried to explain I'm not actually a racist I'm just a worried Englishman.....I suspect some are too left wing liberal to comprehend the danger this country is really in. Maybe not today or tomorrow but soon enough.

Never mind. I've often found that I can accept views I disagree with far more readily than left wing liberals can.

Odd really. You'd think left wing liberals would have an open mind. It appears not. You are understandably worried about the colonisation of your country by alien cultures therefore you're clearly a fascist nazi racist colour prejudiced islamophobe...not necessarily in that order..;-)

Strikes me most of them haven't got a mind capable of considering alternative viewpoints. Left wing liberals almost invariably seem to suffer from what I call 'Ostrich Syndrome'.......

Well...Tally-Ho!!! Bring on 2012 and be careful out there won't you!!!

4D x

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2012 Predictions....

2011-12-23T12:49:00.000-08:00

Have a great Chrissie peeps and a peaceful New Year eh?

Prez Obama gets blown away at the next American election. Shame. I think he's probably a decent chap - which never bodes well in politics. Someone from something called 'The Tea Party' gets elected and the Earth gets nuked....If I'm right, prediction over.....although his wifey has got rather a fat bottom...

Call Me Dave Cameron finally gets fed up with Little Nicky Clegg and the Liberals and shoots the idiot. Admitedly this is long shot...oops..pardon the pun...

More likely, Argentina realise that America is fucked, Europe hate us (especially Napoleon Sarkozy and Fuhrer Merkel) and re-invade The Falklands. Britain, having suffered ludicrous cuts to its military send in troops who get the crap kicked out of them whilst Britain continues to give billions to Europe and India who are, in chronological order, stupid (Europe) and have a nuclear and space programme (India).

Call Me Dave Cameron suggests that it was incompetence by the military leadership rather than the disfunctional catapults and spud guns that caused the death of over a thousand British service men and women in the South Atlantic.....

Everybody says 'WTF?' and votes in Ed Milliband and The Labour Party who have already made super human efforts to bankrupt the country previously, at which point every sane, and insane, Englishman and woman leaves for New Zealand as it looks very nice and has Hobbits.

The Arab Spring turns into The Al Qaida Floor Show and everyone who isn't an Islamist in Egypt, Syria, Algeria, Libya and all those strange Arab places gets shot/hung/taxed or probably all three for being 'not an Islamist'.....

Greece calls on John Travolta to save them as they haven't realised the spelling is different in English and also fail to realise he's now both fat and believes in Martians...

Former Liverpool and Scotland football player Alan Hansen dresses up as a Black and White Minstrel on Match Of The Day in order to show his support for coloured players - who apparently prefer to be called 'black' thereby excluding Manchester United's Park Ji-Sung who clearly isn't black. Park Ji-Sung sues all black footballers for racism and shoots Sir Alex Ferguson for calling him 'yellow' after he avoids a 50/50 challenge in the Europa league....

Kevin Spacey re-makes the 2012 movie as 2020 when he realises if his 2012 movie is correct, he's fucked too.

Katy Price is arrested for raping Harvey. Harvey pleads insanity, Katy Price gets her tits out and Peter Andre is sent for counselling.....former footballer Dwight Yorke remains unavailable for comment...

Sharia Law is invoked in the County of Devon to avoid a strike by the Chef and Waiters of 'The Raj Pott' in Okehampton'....

A Northern England born Driving Instructor now residing in Hayes Town is arrested for losing what few marbles he has left and mowing down men in dresses and women who may or may not be women as they are hidden underneath large black Bedhouin tents in the High Street.....his driving student claims he shouted 'AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!" before mowing said dress wearing men and Bedhouin tent wearing women down....

A new ginger cat arrives at The Dinners household by the name of 'Nushka' courtesy of Jax. Dinners has no idea how or why this has occured so feeds it anyway. The current cats A) Accept Nushka, B) Ignore Nushka, C) Beat the crap out of Nushka.

The Mayan's calender is proved accurate and we all die.......or

The Mayan's calender is proved bullshit and the World continues to turn......

I have no idea which I would prefer in so so many ways....

Happy New Year!

One For The Road.....

2011-12-20T16:01:00.000-08:00

According to The Mayans - who the fuck were The Mayans anyroad? - the entire world will end in 2012 apart from Kevin Spacey and his ex wife and a few others including, according to the movie, The Queen and her Corgi's.

Now. I may be an animal lover but if it's a straight choice between me and a Corgi the Corgi is toast...end of....well it will be if I survive and there's bugger all else to eat...

I've found the 21st Century a bit sort of odd myself. Perhaps it's the fact that, despite my most strenuous objections, I am growing older. In fact, whilst admiting it is almost physically painful for me to accept I am actually starting to get old.

I used to think 'old' was about 30 on a good day.

On the plus side I was firmly convinced reaching 30 at all would be an unexpected bonus given the amount of unusual substances that have, in the past, meandered about my internal bits.

I suppose, given that above statement, I shouldn't complain.....but I am complaining!

I can handle getting old if everything works as it should and nothing of any consequence falls off but old age doesn't seem to work that way.

I admit I'm not immediately aware of anything falling off but...but...some things don't seem to be working quite as reliably as they once did.

My mind, for starters.

I rang The Dragon (my mother) the other day and she said 'Oh! Happy Birthday on Thursday...er...how old are you now?'

'Why thank you (you old bat why are you still alive?), how old am I? You're my mother!'

'Well! How old are you on Thursday?'

'I'm...er....I'm....erm.....I....er.....ang on...er....1957....er.....OH SHIT!'

'Don't swear at me!'

'I wasn't swearing AT you I was just swearing!...Jesus H fucking Christ! I'm 54!'

'I'm not talking to you if you swear' she said and hung up.

This was a good thing as I was about to swear far more violently than I had.

54?????????????

Excuse me....I need a bit of visual viagra to keep me from ending it all....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!....That's better....now...where was I?....Oh yes....getting older.....

Oh well....

As Grant Naylor so rightly said....

"You live, you die....the bit in between is called life....ENJOY!"

...Well...at least until my birthday next year which, according to The Mayans, whoever the fuck they are, is the end.

Bastards. They could have least had it for the day after my bloody birthday.

Anyroad. have a good Chrissie and a safe New Year peeps.

4D xx

I leave you with the songs of 2011.....and why not?

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Si thi in 2012 x

All I Want For Christmas is A Dukla Prague Away Kit

2011-12-17T09:12:00.000-08:00

That, for the uninitiated, is only one of two pop songs to refer to Subbuteo Table Football...a pastime I enjoyed as a kid and would still if the wifey hadn't made me sell my teams - for a lot of dosh mind you as they were all 70's heavyweights - if you have no idea about Subbuteo I won't explain here...the song was by Half Man Half Biscuit by the by...

The Undertones 'My Perfect Cousin' was the ONLY pop song to ever mention Subbuteo by name by the way...

Anyroad...

Christmas is coming and I can almost taste my roast parsnips already.....bugger the turkey...give me roast parsnips any day of the week.

Odd how we can get emotional around this time of the year don't you think?

I watched 'The Chronicles Of Narnia - The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader' for the first time last night on Sky.

When I was a kid I read all the Narnia books and loved them.

I burst into tears around the age of 9 reading 'The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader' when Reepicheep the heroic mouse - who had also played a major part in the previous novel 'Prince Caspian' chose to travel on to 'Aslan's Country' which basically meant he died.

My mother...aka The Dragon...snatched the book away and threw it in the bin...she didn't approve of books affecting people in that way.....I rescued it a few minutes later....

Watching the movie on Sky I was startled to find tears trickling at the scene were Reepicheep, as per the book, selects to travel to Aslan's Country at the end of the movie.

Must be something to do with Christmas....or possibly too many Buds......

Interestingly...well it is to me...I'm slightly puzzled why I adore these books so much given that they are clearly Christian and I'm agnostic at best.

Aslan is Jesus. Even at the age of 9 I realised this from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. He sacrifices himself for humanity - well, Edmund Pevensie mainly - and is then resurrected again. Ring any bells?

Still. Maintaining my trasdition of being, according to my wife and daughter, a walking contradiction, I love everything about Narnia and recommend it to all who've never had the pleasure.

The three movies available are well worth a watch - although I would most strongly recommend you read the books - not in the order they were written mind you but in the order they should be read -

The Magicians Nephew heralds the very beginnings of Narnia.
The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe introduces the Pevensie children who become the High Kings and Queens of Narnia.
The Horse And His Boy is an adventure set within the reign of the Pevensie children.
Prince Caspian sees the Pevensie's return to rescue Narnia again.
The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader brings back the two younger Pevensie's along with the terrifically obnoxious Eustace Scrubb.
The Silver Chair returns Eustace to Narnia to rescue an enchanted Prince and...
The Last Battle is just that.

Go read them for Christmas.....Go buy them as a Christmas treat for yourselves or someone else.

Right. I'm off to ask the wifey's Vicar why she doesn't read The Chronicles Of Narnia in church.

Be a damn site more interesting than babbling on passages from the Bible that's for sure....

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/y4wouiPJ-e4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Rather worrying when my greatest hero is a mouse.....

If I don't get around to another post...have an excellent and drunken Christmas and be careful out there!!!

4D x

Bulldog Spirit

2011-12-11T14:45:00.000-08:00

Call Me Dave Cameron told Fuehrer Mirkel and Napoleon Sarkozy to 'fuck off'

Made my year.

I've little or no time for politicians.

Deputy PM Wee Nicky Clegg insisted that, regardless of what the majority of the general populace wanted - ie total withdrawal from the European Union - he would ignore 'popular opimion' and do what is right and fight to keep us in Europe.

Well wee Nicky...that's why the Liberal Democrats have about as much chance of ever being elected as I have of shagging Patsy Kensit......fortunately for the former and sadly for the latter....

A National referendum is unavoidable. It cannot be ducked anymore. Sometime in the new year the people will finally get THEIR say.

Bloody hell.

This 'democracy' lark is not as simple as it seems is it?

Give the people a voice? Good grief!!! Disgraceful behaviour!!! Anyone would think Britain was a democracy!!!

Come the revolution....

Laters n let's be careful of political correctness out there all you honky's, coons, paki's, muzzies, four be two's, tiddley winks, paddy's, leak eaters....anyone I haven't offended yet?....please mail me and I will remember to offend you too in future...my profuse apologies at forgetting you....

oh yeah...let's not forget the Frogs n Krauts eh?

...Don't mention the war..;-)

Where's Dredd When You Need Him???

2011-12-08T08:01:00.000-08:00

4 Somalian muslim girls beat the crap out of a white English girl.

Her boyfriend wades in to help her....although his 'wading' seems a bit wobbly at times so it's quite possible he and his girl had quaffed a few as well - but that's hardly the point...

It comes to court and the Somalian girls plead it wasn't really their fault as they were drunk and, being muslim, are not used to drink.

No evidence was presented suggesting the girl or her boyfriend had said anything to incite the attack.

The Somalian muslim girls, however, admitted they'd shouted 'White Slag' and 'White Whore' at her - without provocation.

Not only did the judge refuse to acknowledge it was a 'race hate crime' but he freed the 4 Somalian muslims after agreeing, as they weren't used to alcohol, it was mererly an 'unfortunate incident'.

The judge even suggested the boyfriends hostile reaction to his girlfriend being attacked may have worsened the situation.

You what?????

Come again????

WTF????????

Watch the cctv vid of the incident and see for yourselves.....

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/z6IU9UeLlJQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

If I was her boyfriend I think I'd be taking a leaf out of Judge Dredd's book.....'I AM THE LAW!'

After being released virtually without punishment....might have been a community order or something in there somewhere - I can neither remember or care - the Somali girls refused to apologise and even gleefully updated their Facebooks that they were 'delighted' or words to that effect.

God forbid that had been my daughter on the receiveing end but I kid you not.

If the so called 'law' had arrived at that sort of conclusion with my daughter as the victim I'd be blogging from prison. Female or not, those coconut headed bitches would have been crippled for life....and that's if I was in a more reasonable frame of mind than I might have been on finding them.......

When the law declines to protect and, if unable to protect, hand out JUST punishments for violent crimes, then it is beholden on us to protect and avenge our own.

'Don't take the law into your own hands' say the courts and police.

There's a law to take??? Who's law would that be then?

Laters 'n let's be careful of drunken Somalians out there eh?

Happy Christmas War Is Starting

2011-12-06T12:09:00.000-08:00

John Lennon was, clearly, the eternal optimist to write 'Happy Christmas, War is over'....you would have thought he'd have realised humanity are never happier than when they're blowing the crap out of other bits of humanity.

Take the 'World Wars I & II' for example. I've lost track of the number of people I've spoken to in the past who claimed, in all seriousness, the happiest times of their lives were when the world was kicking the shit out of itself.

The general reasoning seems to be thus....

A portion of the world gets together and agrees that another portion of the world are loonies.

The first portion, having reached said agreement, then bomb the crap out of the loonies and, in the process, all those who are from the section of the world that has agreed just who the loonies are have a jolly good time - obviously excepting the ones who get blown up fighting the loonies of course along with their relatives who have to receive them home in body bags....assuming there's enough left for a body bag....

The Arab world is in disarray.....The Muslim Brotherhood, whoever the hell they are, seem to be slowly taking control....which is clearly a BAD THING if you happen to be other than muslim over there....and, potentially, over here or anywhere else ultimately come to that.

Fuhrer Merkel in Germany and Napoleon Sarkozy in France seem hell bent on creating a European super state under primarily German domination with Sarkozy cheerfully playing the modern role of Vichy France.

The Argies want to have some slogan about 'owning' The Falkland Islands on their Olympic outfits, China continues to look even bigger than it does on world maps, North Korea may or may not nuke South Korea, Iran may or may not nuke any country the mad Mullah's can reach, Israel's Mossad continues to assassinate any and every Iranian nuclear scientist it can find, Call Me Dave Cameron continues to pretend he's still on the playing fields of Eton or wherever he went as the country goes to the dogs...or, more accurately, immigrants, and the world continues to turn...for now....

Obama continues to be America's Prez whilst not actually seeming to do anything other than get hammered by some strange mob who apparently like tea.

Putin in Russia looks like he would like The Soviet Union back if we wouldn't mind awfully

....and, most worryingly of all, Oldham Athletic continue to look unlikely candidates to ever return to the Premiership.

Oh well....

There's always curry and vodka.

I will be inordinantly pissed off if the Mayans are right you know.

The world can't possibly end on December the 22nd!!! That's my birthday!!!

...I could live with the 23rd at a pinch...at least I could have a curry, a few beers and a good shag the night before....

laters...and let's be careful out there eh?...least until December 22nd.....

Racist Tram Lady

2011-12-01T12:06:00.000-08:00

If you haven't heard of her yet - or watched the vid - you are clearly living in an underground bunker.

Mad as a hatter........................or is she?

Clearly she is wrong in abusing the nice black ladies on the tram who were almost certainly born in England and, whilst I am sure, rightly proud of their Carribean heritage, equally proud to be British/English.

However.....Racist Tram Lady is very clearly not the brightest star in the firmament...she actually struggles to speak intelligible English for starters......but....but...

The number of Eastern European and African immigrants arriving in Britain is unsustainable.

You can't have nearly 3 million unemployed and allow immigration to continue in the hundreds, let alone the hundreds of thousands.

If you do, ultimately, Racist Tram lady will develop into 'pissed of Englishman/woman....Scotsman/woman' etc etc.

Intelligent people who cry 'ENOUGH' and then the shit hits the fan.

Why?

Because, in between Racist Tram Lady's bizarre verbal attack on anyone who isn't English there is a grain of truth. In her case a very small one admittedly...but a grain none the less.

This IS OUR country. WE ARE fed up of immigrants arriving in what ever guise and regardless of race, creed or colour.

We DO want it to stop and it isn't stopping.

We can laugh at the inadequacies of Racist Tram lady and dismiss her as a loony.

What happens when intelligent people develop the balls to say what they really think?

It won't be a tirade of ridiculous abuse, it will be well thought out and logical - and correct - arguments relating to a blanket ban on immigration and, even, potentially, repatriation.

I seem to think the Nazi's started of in similar vein in the 1930's.....

Ignore Racist Tram lady by all means Liberal Elite....we will...but ignore the deeper cause of her rant at your peril.

http://youtu.be/uVZv7jOb0ms

Laters...and let's be careful of which tram we catch eh?

The Folly Of Europe

2011-11-26T12:28:00.000-08:00

Back in the day people used to build 'follies'...buildings that served no real purpose other than because the builder wanted to build them. Some follies are quite remarkable.

The Liberal Elite of Europe wanted to build a 'United States of Europe' - much as Britains Liberal Elite envisaged a multi-cultural/racial nirvana.

Suffice to say they didn't take into account human nature or democracy.

The people were clearly too ignorant to decide so it was decided for them.

Watch yer back Liberal Elite......we've got knives yer know...and we're sharpening them.

Peek-A-Boo!

2011-11-22T12:33:00.000-08:00

Sainsbury's. A place I may be barred from.

I am in a queue. The queue stretches beyond the first aisle so, like every other shopper, I am hanging slightly back leaving a two foot gap for other shoppers to get by as I queue with our trolley.

A 'full face job' walks up, looks directly at me and steps in front of my trolley in the queue.

"Excuse me" I say.....she ignores me.

"EXCUSE ME" I say a little louder....she ignores me.

"Bloody ignorant" says the female half of the couple behind me in the queue.

"Too true" says the young Asian male of the couple behind them.

I walk around my trolley - the wifey says 'Don't Dinners' a little too late....not that earlier would have made the slightest difference.

I tap the walking guinness bottle on the shoulder and she turns to me with a look of complete and utter disdain.....well...her eyes do anyroad.....

"There is a queue" I explain, "and you can't just push in. The back of the queue is that way"

She looks me up and down and then turns away and remains in place.

"OI! PEEK-A-BOO!! GET YOUR IGNORANT MUZZIE ARSE OUT OF MY PLACE IN THE QUEUE. NOW!!!"

Her eyes look startled.....she clearly understands English. She flounces off in the direction of a security guard and I resume my place behind my trolley.

A clearly muslim pair of ladies at the next check out catch my eye, smile and appear to nod appreciatively

The two couples behind nod appreciatively. The Asian male actually silently applauds.

Several other shoppers of various races smile.

Two seperate guinness bottles without the hoodies glare at me.

This leads me to believe that there are distinct groups of muzzies.

Sensible ones a la the two who smiled and pig ignorant ones who are generally walking guinness bottles.

I neither know nor care.

Live in MY country by all means but, if you do, YOU WILL respect OUR ways or WE WILL treat you like crap.

You invariably get what you deserve.

The security guard, who appeared to be of Somalian type...you know..the slightly largish coconut shaped heads.....came over with a spotty faced teenager who claimed to be a manager.

"We have had a complaint" said spotty

"So?" I responded

He appeared nonplussed.

"About you sir" he continued with an incredibly pompous tone to his voice.

"Oh piss off you little prick...there are about 10 witnesses that I merely put the bitch in her place. You've a problem then sod off and call plod mate"

"That's right" said the shoppeers behind us....and, to my delight, one of the scarved muslim ladies took the trouble to come back through the cash tills and support me verbally.

Spotty and coconut head withdrew with looks of bewilderment.

"I've always wanted to do that" said the white lady shopper immediately behind us.

Perhaps you should love.

I think they need reminding who runs the show in this country....and it sure as hell ain't them!

Laters and let's be careful out there......

Catching Up

2011-11-20T13:06:00.000-08:00

Right. Been absent for a while due to the reasons stated below in't earlier post.

What's been happening then?

A ridiculous number of muzzies are now residing in my adopted home town...Mogadishu has nowt on us....

My driving students are passing at alarmingly regular intervals....

I've kicked the voddy habit....for a while

My doctor continues to express surprise I am still alive....

The wifey keeps increasing my life insurance just in case....

The daughter keeps saying "I love you daddy" immediately followed by "Can I have £50?"

The Germans seem hell bent on trying again as we seem to be a tad short of submarines and ships and soldiers and tanks and such like....sound familiar?

The Government keep insisting we are in a democracy whilst denying us any say on Europe, Immigration and pretty much anything else that they think they know better about....

I have rediscovered my love of Budweiser in the absense of voddy.....

I'm broadcasting every week on SFR and bloody loving it!

My driving school have recieved numourous complaints about me...not from students, who appear to love me without exception thereby underlying the error of examiners in passing them and letting them loose on our roads.....but from Harry Potter Death Eaters who are wandering the streets of Hayes Town....

...when my window is down I cannot resist shouting 'peek-a-boo!!' and several have rang the driving school to claim I am Islamophobic.

The driving school sportingly reply "No he isn't...he's from Oldham"

So...as Merkel's jack booters close in on dear old England I can only say....

"Who won last time Merkel?"

...and don't think we won't this time either you fascist bitch.

laters n let's be careful out there...

Well Hello There!...And how the devil are you?

2011-11-19T10:18:00.000-08:00

No I'm not dead...yet.

Yes, I haven't blogged in ages.

You see I thought my old 'tower' was knackered and went and bought another. Unfirtunately I had saved my passwords to the old 'tower' - not to mention various e-mail addresses - so after plugging in my new 'tower' I couldn't remember half of them. Blogger, Facebook.

Eventually I plugged the old - and perfectly fine 'tower' - back in so now I can blog (and I've made a note of the e-mail i use to get on Blogger. Where the hell did I get THAT e-mail address from?....;-)

Anyroad. Lots to catch up on but, for now, it's good to be back - and indeed alive! One of my readers was convinced I'd shuffled off. Not yet Eugene! Not yet!!!

Lots to talk about, not least my smashing new t-shirt courtesy of my pal Stu.

Right. Off to sort Sunday's show.

The Drunk Punk Bowwowwow Special on SFR

Tune in if you get chance....6pm this Sunday...er...tomorrow....

If you read this Monday onwards then tune in the following Sunday for A BOMBSKARE SPECIAL - a 10 piece Scottish Ska Band and they're HOT!!!

Talk soon

Be careful out there!!!

4D x

Jax In Madagascar

2011-08-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

I nearly forgot!...I said I'd post a few pics of my baby's adventure in Madagascar....so here's a few...

Taken on the plane showing their location en route.........

Transport to Base Camp 1

On The Way to Base Camp 2

Watch out for Crocs!!!

Jax specialised in the ornithological side of the operation...

But a snake or two never hurt anyone eh?

Kermit in Madagascar

Jax never did find me a singing, dancing Lemur...

Wonder what Ascot would make of this hatwear?

Felt a whole lot better that Max was there to lok after her...

Apparently, the report they have written concerning the balancing of farming against the needs of the natural enviroment is being passed to both the Madagascan Govt and The United Nations. The operation was co-ordinated by some Professor from Oxford University whose name will be on top of the report...just above Jacqui and Max......am I a proud dad?......Course not...;-)

Thanks for bringing her home safe Max.....

There's literally hundreds of incredible pics on Jax's Facebook page....but if you aren't her friend you can't see 'em...so there...;-)

I'll pinch a few more for another post....

Tick Tock

2011-08-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

Everyone's clock is ticking. After a blood test the other week my Doc has advised me that mine is ticking pretty quickly.

High cholestrol so back on the Statins. My liver is, apparently, distrssed. Uh? I don't recall upsetting it lately. I must speak to that vodka and tell it to stop insulting my liver.

My Doc has regularly been expressing surprise that I have lived to attend my appointments when I arrive but he's never actually said "Quit smoking, vodka and junk food or you'll do well to go another 5 years....make it 3....or 2....probably not even that"

'The Drunk Punk Show' is back on Scooter Forums Radio from Sunday September 4th (broadcasting live from 6pm UK time) - at this rate it'll have to be renamed 'The Formally Drunk now tea total all bran diet nicotine patches born again health freak Punk Show'.....not really got the same ring to it has it?

Still....now my rightful immortality has come under scrutiny from the Doc I suppose I'd better decide whether to run up enormous debts on the credit card and have some real fun or tone down my life style....a lot apparently.

"What about sex Doc?"
"Much more of the way you live and it'll give you a heart attack!"

Well there are worse ways to go eh?

Tone it down Dinners?......Oh dear....

You live, you die, the bit in between is called LIFE....ENJOY!.....Where does this fit in then?

Now if I cut down to 20 a day and only 1/2 a litre....well...3/4 of a litre.....and only four rashers of bacon and a maybe four sausages and only 3 or 4 eggs and stuff for breakfast......and maybe just 6 pints instead of 8.....er....wassat funny tingle down my left arm?.......er.....oops

Maybe tune in Sunday 4/9 at SFR eh?....Just to see if I've made it that far!...;-)

Laters and HEY!....Let's be careful out there.....

SEX

2011-08-19T15:36:00.000-07:00

Now if that 'header' doesn't get a few 'hits' from oddballs and pervs I don't know what will...;-)

In order to prevent this post being inordinantly long and, frankly, silly, I will explain.

Men, and previously, boys, as all men were previously boys, adore sex. Sex is the raison d'etre for many many males. Life is worthless without sex.

I have always been curious what precisely drives us males in this way. I have had many male friends who are clearly happy shagging the woman on their arm despite the appearance of said woman resembling the back end of a bus......each to their own I suppose....

I then considered my own tastes....which would clearly not be approved of by every man.

I actually vaguely knew Patsy Kensit when she was little......if only I'd known!!!!!

With the obvious exception of Caz to whom I have remained resolutely faithful to (apart from the occasional Fridays and gymnasts of Eastern European descent...well??....it's not my bloody fault that Eastern European gymnasts and Fridays exist for Gods sake!!!)......I have reached a conclusion.

I could cheerfully help Winona Ryder out with her shop lifting problems...probably down to a lack of sex if you ask me....

Men are eternally 18 in their heads...or possibly 16....whilst women grow and mature gracefully, ultimately losing interest in sex.

Debbie Harry is now very old...even by my standards....still...with a bit of help from a time traveller eh?..;-)

Women of a certain age....from around 40 or so I suspect...tend to use sex to reward their hubbies for a job well done that they required doing, or to encourage their man to do a job they require doing.

Men, on the other hand, expect sex to continue relatively unabated regardless.

Men, I believe, have the right idea....obviously I am somewhat biased in this opinion.

Sex is fun. The more fun (sex) you can get, the more fun life is.

Mary Millington (RIP) was my first introduction to the naked female form at around 12 years old...that was me at 12 not Mary I hasten to add...;-)

Clearly we are indeed from Mars and women are equally clearly from Venus.

Tastes however are even more clearly a very personal thing.

If I didn't put Katy Manning back up then I'm very clearly suffering from Call Me Al(zheimers)....

One pal of mine is married to a woman who can't walk without her inordinantly fat thighs producing sparks. He adores this lump of lard and finds her incredibly sexy. All attempts to get him psychiatric help have failed abysmally. He is happy so let's leave the poor bugger alone eh?

I will leave you.....OI! Who said "Thank Christ for that!"???....with my own list of desirable females above...not necessarily desirable now as they may be dead....although I do know a chap who thinks necrophilia is cool...perhaps I need to trim my 'friends list' a bit eh?...;-)....along with a couple of vids....

My personal faves?

Clare Grogan...

Tracey Ullman...

Well?

There's really no accounting for taste eh?

Have a good night!!!!!!!!

TORCHWOOD

2011-08-18T15:04:00.000-07:00

As John Barrowman is gay I suppose I need to explain making the statement 'I adore John Barrowman'.

Being 'gay' or 'bi' or 'straight' is in your jeans...I beg your pardon...your genes.

I was 'born' straight, John Barrowman was 'born' gay. Such is life.

He is, regardless of anything else, something of a 'consumate entertainer'. I've watched a few other shows of his and he invariably enhances them - 'Such a waste to womanhood' says Caz with a gleam in her eye.....

Being an aficionado of Doctor Who since episode one (the William Hartnell years) back in the late 60's, when as a very young child I hid behind the sofa, I can confidentally say that Captain Jack Harkness aka John Barrowman is the most successful character ever created within the world of Doctor Who other than The Doc himself.

Admittedly Josephine 'Jo' Grant (Katy Manning) was rather consequential to me in my Doctor Who adolescence......that picture with a Dalek kept me erect through several teen years...;-)

OK Dinners...enough Katy Manning already....;-).....there's never enough Katy Manning!!!!....well...at least not from when I was 14 anyroad...;-)

TORCHWOOD, a 'spin-off' from Doctor Who, just keeps getting better and better. 'TORCHWOOD - Miracle Day' is, frankly, the most extraordinary show I've seen - apart from Doctor Who itself.

All of these are now dead apart from Captain Jack Harkness (centre) and the Welsh bird (far left) - Gwen Cooper played by Eve Myles......

If you haven't been watching it then don't....you'll have no idea WTF is going on. Get the Box Set later.

Actually, if you're new to TORCHWOOD then get every box set.

Apart from Captain Jack and the Welsh bird everyone else that worked for TORCHWOOD through Series 1 to 3 is dead.by Series 4...Torchwood : Miracle Day. Showing now on BBC 1 every Friday at 9pm.

TORCHWOOD was initiated by Queen Victoria in an episode of Doctor Who by the way.....just so you know.

One day...many millenia from now, Captain Jack Harkness may well die after becoming The Face Of Bo.

Then again.....I'm a Doctor Who geek so what do I know?

Watch TORCHWOOD - but not now...get the Box Sets.

I think we can safely say we've established I love TORCHWOOD....and John Barrowman - but in a manly way of course.....

Nowt wrong with being a geek over a TV show....

Remember Hill Street Blues?.....oh yes....now that was a show!!!!!....but right now...it's TORCHWOOD

Laters....'And Hey!....Let's be careful out there"

Guest Post : A Tribute To Scampi From Maximus Spittimus

2011-08-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

Man Two Legs came downstairs this morning. Scampi had been a bit wobblymuss lately. I think we all knew he was nearing the end.

Still, 22 years is a good age for a cat! He had been sleeping on an armchair for two weeks and Scampi never slept in any chair.....he slept outside in all weathers and only came in when he was sickimuss - and even then the Two Legs had to wear thick gloves to take him to the Vets!!!!

The Two Legs put a blanky in the kitchen near the cat flap so he could run out when he wanted. Scampi slept on his blankymuss. He stopped running out of the cat flap.

He was lying on his blanky in the kitchen. When man Two Legs walked in to put the kettle on - what is kettle? - Scampi meowed.

Man Two Legs picked him up - that was when I knew. NOBODY. NOBODY ever picked up Scampi.

Man Two Legs carried him to water bowlimuss and tried to get him to drink. He meowed again and Man Two Legs put him back on his blanky.

His will was still there but his old body was letting him down.

Man Two Legs called Lady Two Legs and Little Two Legs and they stroked him and kissed him and he went. Just like that.

Seconds before he went he did something oddimuss.

When his sister, Tiddler, was here he used to put his right paw on her head.

He raised his right paw and held it in mid-air for a while......then he went.

My Scampi has gone.

I am bereft....I am inconsolableimuss....I am hungry....

Feed me!

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I has lost my Scampi....now FEED ME!!!!

Bye old friend...sleep tight...Fourdinners, Caz and Jax xxxxxx

I Predict A Riot

2011-08-12T12:51:00.000-07:00

There were 'chancers' out for a laugh or a free Plasma screen TV. There were people who wouldn't ordinarily get involved in this sort of thing but it seemed like fun. Apparently.

A millionaires daughter, a teacher, a Life Guard. People who you'd think wouldn't be there were there and did join in.

They were the minority within the minority though. They weren't the problem.

The 'problem' was, and is, the majority of the minority that created mayhem and anarchy.

Now I do believe a certain amount of anarchy is good for everyones soul personally, but burning down your local community shops doesn't seem particularly high on the intelligence scale.

As one mother stated regarding her young sons involvement - "If yer treat 'em like scum then they'll act like scum"

er....sorry?....You're justifying your young son smashing up his local community shops and causing grief and distress to innocents?....AH! I see.....You were allowed to breed....Quite...

Now most of us have read 'Oliver Twist' haven't we? There's been a 'criminal underclass' in England since before politics came into being - or at least before politicians came into being.

Unfortunately we've had around 13 years of (supposedly) Socialist/Liberal government primarily under that awful creature Tony Bliar.

The Labour party went to war on 'families' and 'English' ways and, frankly, won.

The result has been single mothers that are, on a good day, three brain cells short of plant life and pretty much 'feral' children who've never had a 'clip around the ear hole' because it isn't politically correct and their mothers would never hurt their little preciouses just because they kicked Mr Singh's kid in the head for being a Paki - the fact Mr Singh's kid is actually English of Indian decent would be entirely lost on both mother and precious child.

I have no idea what so ever what the solution is - clearly extermination camps are a no-no. Preventing breeding is equally not a place to go unless Joseph Mengele has been re-incarnated into our Home Secretary...somewhat unlikely methinks...

Interestingly - well I think it is anyroad - virtually all 'rioters' were black or white depending on the areas of the 'riots'.

Very very very few were Asian.

What does that tell us?

Asian culture and communities are heavily into 'family' and the elders guiding the young to keep them on the 'straight and narrow'.

That's why there were so few Asian 'looters'.

That's why Bliar and our 'liberal elite' can never be forgiven.

We are reaping what they sowed under nearly 13 years of Labour government.

If Labour is ever elected to power again in my lifetime....or my daughters lifetime come to that, we deserve all we get.

Be careful out there eh?

London's Burning.....

2011-08-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

...So's Nottingham and Liverpool and Bristol and a few other places come to that.

Last night's 'riot's' came as close as Ealing. Ealing???? Nice, quiet, leafy Ealing??? About 20 minutes up the road from me.

WTF is going on???? Some black kid gets shot by the police - he did have a gun incidentally which tends to put you at risk of being shot by the police....or is that just to simple for these kids to comprehend before the bullet goes through their stupid brains? - and riots kick off everywhere?

Bollocks! Plastic bullets and water cannon. A few dumb kids die? Tough. Law abiding citizens are having their lives disrupted - and in some cases their lives turned upside down by their homes being burned down and their cars torched.

Hit a few of these kids with plastic bullets....a few die and they'll soon back off.

Meet fire with fire.

All the shops closed by mid-afternoon today in Hayes. Sainsbury's and Tesco's, the two largest supermarkets closed their doors.

I can understand small businesses 'locking down' to protect themselves but large nationwide companies?

The big companies clearly have no balls. They are being held to ransom by young thugs, accurately described by one lady on the news as 'feral rats'.

Broadcaster and author Darcus Howe tried to make the riot's racial - and it is clear that the majority are indeed black, but certainly not all. White and Asian youths are happily taking part too.

Someone is manipulating them. Someone is organising them.

Whether a group or a few individuals, someone with intelligence - warped perhaps but intelligence none the less - is 'arranging' these anarchistic occurences.

Hayes Town (Downtown Mogadishu) is closed for business since around 3pm today. Uxbridge likewise.

Why?

Because London is deploying 16,000 police officers tonight - very very few of whom will be remotely near Hayes or Uxbridge.

The 'rioters' are clearly violent morons in general. Sub-normal uneducated idiots. But whoever - or whatever - is 'running the show' is/are clearly well organised.

The 'outer boroughs' of London can see it coming.

Nobody knows whether it will happen again at all, where it will happen or when it will happen.

Haven't a scooby myself.

I've got my bayonets at the ready.

You allow the colonisation of your country by alien cultures and masses of similar cultures, closely followed by high unemployment amongst poorly educated and ill disciplined youth who haven't the intelligence to escape the poverty and the lack of a future......

I wonder what you get?

Oh....er....oops....

Nice one politicians. Nice one.

Later's and let's be even more careful out there eh?

Now That Was A Week and it's only Monday!!

2011-08-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

Saturday...which I agree is, technically, the previous week, was a blast. Jacqui came home from 6 weeks in Madagascar. A field trip related to her Geography degree.

Several days within the 6 weeks completely cut off from civilisation studying the wlidlife - which sadly, didn't include singing dancing Lemurs despite what the movie suggested. Damn. I wanted one.

She has some incredible pics which will, no doubt, filter down to me at some point and I will proudly display.

For now....the most important pic in my eyes....Jax hugging a weeping Caz as she appeared through 'Arrivals' at Heathrow Airport...Jax expression says it all!..."Oh for Gods sake mother!!!"....;-)

I readily admit....that was the hardest 6 weeks of my life...but also the proudest in a way....Jax worked with an Oxford Professor and her work will appear before The United Nations at some point regarding the natural environment of Madagascar against the needs of farming and such like.

Apparently...her work may even be published at some point...I'll let you know if and when....

My baby's back safe and well. Nuff said.

In the meantime a bus damaged my car during a driving lesson. The bus duly carried on with the driver seemingly oblivious.

"Follow that bus" I cried to my driving student - who was still slightly alarmed at a bus 'brushing' against the car - buses being inordinantly big.

The damage is minor....a bit of paint work...but, as the car is leased I'm buggered if I'm paying for the damage.

We caught up with the bus and I 'took control'. Using my dual controls, I reversed the car in front of the bus to prevent it moving away from its next bus stop.

"You clipped my car" I said to the (clearly Asian) driver.

In fairness he was cool about it and even said later "I doubt a driving instructor would do what you did if it wasn't true"

Being in a very large vehicle he didn't feel the 'brush' and I believe him.

As we exchanged details several passengers got off the bus, clearly annoyed at their journey being interrupted.

Oddly?....All the white passengers remained on board. All those who alighted were clearly Asian/black and without a doubt, muslim.- as was, equally clearly after learning his surname, the driver.

The muslim passengers became very aggressive very quickly.

"You are holding us up!"....."Leave our dirver alone!"....."You are a thief!!"

I have no idea what the last statement meant.

The driver, to his credit, attempted to usher them back on the bus.

Dinners, as you may not be surprised to learn, said "Piss off and mind you're own business...I'm sorting it out with the driver"....ever the diplomat eh?...;-)

One muslim passenger leaned into my face. "You are lying!!!"

My head went back as the 'red mist' descended.

It was similar to a 'Pimms O'Clock moment' really - as per TV adverts in Blighty....

"Picnic blankets? Mums and dads? It's Pimms O' Clock!"

"Wedding party? Embarrassing dancing? It must be Pimms O' Clock!"

"MY FOREHEAD? YOUR NOSE?......etc etc...

The driver - very much to his credit - suddenly appeared between us with his back to me and ushered the dickhead away.

As headbutting the driver in his back would have been grossly unfair I allowed the 'red mist' to dissipate.

So.

1) My car is damaged - albeit only slightly -
2) I was prevented from nutting a mouthy muzzie - probably for the best -
3) Caz burst into tears when Jax emerged from Customs at Heathrow - no surprise there then -
4) I didn't burst into tears when Jax emergef from Customs at Heathrow - I'm a man I am (I so so nearly did)...;-)
5) I am finally drinking a bottle of voddy as tomorrow is a day off for Caz's birthday and I've got the day off.

We're all off to Winchester for the day...I have no idea why...some'at to do with seeing the Cathedral I think but I'm halfway down my litre of voddy and can't remember....

Still.

A day with Caz 'n Jax. Just us. (Max would be welcome too incidentally...the only boyfriend I've never growled at and he did take care of her in Madagascar after all).

Life is good.

Stay out of my way First Bus.....I'm looking to stitch you up....and trust me...I will.

Later's and let's all be well careful out there eh?

Buddy Can You Spare A Dime?

2011-08-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

Apparently America is skint. They are struggling to pay their debts.

I have just realised why I am delighted at this turn of events.

We're ALL bloody skint you political morons.

We've been skint for bloody ages!

Take Britain.....somebody pleeeease take Britain....I'm not sure we want it anymore...

Well....we do really...it's supposed to be OUR country...but there are lots of things that are supposed to be eh?

I can just hear Barnsley Sime saying "Chill Dinners" already...stop ranting....I CAN'T!!!

I couldn't give a tuppeny fuck if America is skint.

I could give a tuppeny fuck that Britains elderly and Britains kids and Britains people are NOT getting what they deserve.

Well...not unless they are bloody Somalian muslims they aren't.

50 odd billion pounds to India who have their own Space Programme?????

Come oooooooon!!!!....We've just thrashed them at cricket.....tell them to fuck off and fund their own shit.

Rocket Science?.....Clearly it is to our politicians.

You want a rant?....well...no...probably not but when did that ever stop me eh?...;-)

Parts of East london are now apparently under Shariah Law.....I kid you not....

Posters are sprouting up on bus stops and everywhere advising East Londoners that they now live under Shariah Law.

It's not a joke.

I WANT MY COUNTRY BACK.

Fuck America being skint....their problem....

I WANT MY COUNTRY BACK.

Do You?

Gold Card carrying member of the BNP.....and bloody PROUD TO BE RIGHT NOW.

You don't approve?....fair enough....give me an alternative then. I'll listen. I always do.

GIVE ME AN ALTERNATIVE!!!!!

We're going to hell in a handbasket but I won't lie down.

This is my daughters country....free and democratic (well...free and slightly corrupt actually) but it's all we've got and we have to defend it.

I will.

Will you?

Have any of you any idea of quite how serious this shit is getting?

Be careful out there...and don't you dare smoke or drink alcohol if you live under Shariah law!!!!

ps....Caz pointed out something very very spooky.....

9/11.....7/7....

9th September and 7th July.

That shit in Norway?

7/11

July 2011.

Lots of 7's and 11's eh?

"What about the 9's?" I asked with a smug expression...

"Try adding 7 and two one's" she replied.

I think I'd better go to bed now and dream of something nice...........

Blue Face and The Employment Agency

2011-07-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

Have you seen 'Avatar'...alternatively....are you alive?

Carol's best pal, Janet, leader and head honcho of Hillingson Cats Protection had some growth thingy on her face. 'It's not cancer' said the Doc, 'it's a thing that mimics cancer'.

Mimics?....I thought ventriloquists did the mimicking.....'You have cancer of the ventriloquist and will die shortly'

Anyroad, the doctors removed it and gave her blue stitches. The left side of her face is blue. As I quite fancied that 'Avatar' 8 feet tall with a tail babe I have chosen to remain silent on the matter.....

In the meantime, one of my driving students is a Chef.

He is young and talented in the Chef business.

I know he is young mainly because I am not, I know he's talented because he makes me things to eat and they taste good - or occasionally GREAT!

Precisely what I am eating is often a mystery but, as it tastes good, I am happy.

One day he burst into tears in the middle of a lesson.

It turned out he was being bullied at work by the Head Chef and pretty much everyone else that worked there.

After suffering health difficulties early in life to do with the heart - well sorted now - he ended up being very quiet and quite insular - he hasn't got a multitude of pals.

I like this lad very much. He could never be my daughters boyfriend because he is too young (and besides I like Max enormously anyway) however, if he was older and was my daughters boyfriend I would be well chuffed.

Why?

He is kind and gentle.

I arranged an interview at my local pub - as I'm teaching the landlady to drive. Her 'partner' is the Chef - with a very good background too - he 'Cheffed' at a couple of major London Hotels before managing the kitchen at Number 10 Downing Street (disappointingly failing to poison the Prime Minister)

He will be starting in a couple of weeks.

Driving Instructor, Social Worker (several of my students) and now....Employment Agency.

All in one car.

I'm bloody good I am.

Good luck Craig...you well deserve a break young man.

Laters and let's be careful out there eh?

ps...'Torchwood' is fucking awesome!!!!.....more soon

Chill Dinners...Chill!!!

2011-07-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

I have sat cross legged on the floor, put my thumbs together and said "Ohmmm" several times.

Then I drank some voddy and repeated the exercise.....

My li'l bro Sime is quite right. I switched to DILLIGAF II to chill not rant away and off I went again...ranting away.

Daft old bugger.

As a Driving Instructor my car is like the bloody United Nations - not entirely surprising given I live near Heathrow Airport I suppose.

Ukranian, Bulgarian, Indian, Sri Lankan, Spanish, Kenyan, Vietnamese, Irish, Welsh, Scottish, Latvian, Lithuanian, Argentinian, Brazilian, Somalian.......and that's the students past and present I can bring to mind immediately...oh...yeah...a few English as well...;-)

I rapidly reached the conclusion that learning to drive and indeed, becoming a good driver is not related in any way shape or form to intelligence.

One of my students believed, and, as far as I know, still believes that the 30 odd sheep we saw grazing on a steep hill on one of the Staines Reservoir's all facing the same way were doing so as they'd been specially bred with their right legs shorter than their left in order to graze on steep inclines - turning around would result in them falling over and rolling down the hill.

I didn't actually think she'd entirely believed me until we saw a dozen or so the next driving lesson facing the opposite way.

"Oh look Dinners! They've got their left legs shorter!" she exclaimed excitedly.....

"Bugger the sheep...watch where you're going!"......I think I must be evil....;-)

Passing your Driving Test is a bloody lottery you know.

My best student by far took 3 bloody goes!!!

"You drive better than me" said the Examiner.

"I've passed then?" she asked

"Unfortunately not" he replied.

Uh?......Don't ask me...I'm just more qualified than the Examiner...he/she just asseses on the day....I train them for the day from scratch.

"You drive better than me but you've failed"......now explain that one to me!!!

Still, I've never been happier in my life than I am now - at least as far as a job goes.

"What's this £70?" I asked a student

"Well I forgot to pay you for the last 2 lessons so here it is"

I had no idea - it drives Caz crazy....."Dinners!!!! You're meant to be a businessman now!!!"

"It's more a vocation love"

"What????"

"Er...any ideas on a vacation?"

Norway and the Scourge of Liberalism

2011-07-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

Amir Khan is British...Amir Khan is English... Amir Khan is muslim.

Get that?

British first and foremost, English second and muslim third.

I like Amir Khan.

He is proud to be British, proud to be English and proud to be muslim.

Amir Khan is the acceptable face of immigration and colonisation.

He hasn't rejected his roots or his faith....he's adapted to the fact that he has to be British to live here and be accepted here.

There's a problem?

Apparently there is with certain muslims.

That would be the muslims that need to fuck off before they get fucked by Brits like me who have had more than enough of them.

Amir is the business.

Long live and reign BRITAINS AMIR KHAN.

If you disagree with that statement do yourself a favour.

Fuck off back to a mussie country before we either force you or shoot you.

Norway?

That's what liberalism gets you ultimately......

Nobody in their right mind would ever condone what the scumbag did....but he did it because the 'liberal elite' think they can create a multi-culteral/ethnic nirvana...

Guess what?

They can't.

Amir Khan is the way forward.

You move to another country you adopt and adapt....or you create Norway's grief again.

Besides...if I moved to a muslim country and asked for a Christian Church and behaved like a Christian I wonder what would happen?

You tell me....cause we already know....I'd be minus my silly head....

Take a leaf out of Amir's book mussies.

I'm proud he's British.

Are you?

Nuff said.

Deeper and Deeper

2011-07-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

That Norwegian fella is an evil scumbag.

Agreed.

There is NO excuse for killing innocent people of any age, let alone teenagers.

Agreed.

I wonder whether anyone will ask the question "If we assume he isn't completely insane" (he may be) "Then what could drive a human being to doing something so evil?"

The question will never be asked quite simply because most European media is biased to 'the left'.

The 'liberal elite' governing Europe have, for many years, sought to create a multi-cultural/multi-racial Nirvana.

Nothing, but NOTHING could ever justify the actions of this Norwegian maniac.

But the cause of his mania points directly to the liberal elite who have been in charge since WWII.

I think we've all paid the price for Nazi Germany. Let's stop creating another cause for the Nazi's.

Let's realise that people hate the 'colonisation' of their countries by alien cultures.

There are enough nutters on this planet without continuing to give reasons to others to become nutters.

Humanity may never live together entirely in peace, but if we continue to allow our 'liberal elite' to dictate how they believe we should live and what we should accept then this monster may be only the start of something even darker than Islam.

Now that would be very very dark.

Norway????

2011-07-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

Now look...

If a bomb goes off on The Gaza Strip or some loony tunes guns down some innocents at a school in America or some muslim fundamentalist blows the crap out of some bit of London then we are shocked.

Shocked, but not entirely surprised.

Our politicians have created this insane world and we are not entirely shocked when the insane world they have created kicks us in the arse.

Was 9/11 entirely unpredictable?...Nope...It was a shock but we'd pissed off Al Qaida who are a terrorist organisation so it wasn't entirley unpredictable was it?...A bit of a surprise perhaps...but not entirely unpredictable....

7/7 wasn't entirely unpredicatble either was it? It was certainly a shock but, if it was going to happen it was going to happen in Britain or America most likely and it did.

I was startled, as I suspect were many, to learn that this shit happened in Norway.

Norway????

For a brief instant I thought 'It's because of those Mohammed cartoons' until I remembered that was Denmark.

Well...perhaps Call Me Al Qaida have a slight geographical issue when it comes to Scandinavia?

It appears it was a 'far right' lunatic.

Now...being a proud member of 'the right wing' in political terms I held my breath as the news came through.

It appears 'he' was a 'lone wolf'....although there may be two of them.....

Crazy.

The 'right wing' would never condone or support such crazy behaviour - if only because the 'right wing', politically speaking, are growing successfully - if slowly.

This 'nutter' has set back 'right wing politics' by several years at best.

Would Britain's British National Party condone this sort of thing? No way.

Even the farther right wing 'English Defence League' would baulk at this sort of shit.

Islamic fundamentalists who live amongst us would do this.....we wouldn't.

Suddenly...a maverick 'far right lone wolf' has done what Islam has been doing.

The stupid bastard has pushed us waaaay back after all the good work of recent years.

More importantly he's killed kids.

As a man who has little, if any faith in God...God help us all.

This mad bastard has killed maybe 80+ kids. They were simply learning about politics....it was a Labour/Socialist holiday camp....I disagree wholeheartedly with Socialists.

I hate 'multi-culturalism' and all that bollocks but I would never in a million years harm anyone who agreed with multi-culturalism. I'd tell them they were idiots and buy them a beer.

If sections of the 'far right' are now considering using the terrorist tactics of Islam then this is going to get very very dirty.

Norway????

If it can happen in Norway it really can happen anywhere....

I'll continue to look at Islamists with justifiable suspicion...I'll now look at white Englishmen with a degree of suspicion......

Bombing and shooting is very very wrong. We know that, Islamists clearly don't. Now, it appears, some 'right wingers' don't either.

As a proud 'right winger send 'em home get em out of MY country England for the English' sort of chap I am shocked to the core.

My politics won't change but my view of those who agree with me have just changed beyond recognition.

Every sane persons thoughts are with you Norway.....

Every sane persons thoughts....even mine.

What a fucking world eh?...What a fucking world....

A Happy Bunny Once More....

2011-07-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

Felt a wee bit down last post. Nowt serious. Just missing Jacqui who was completely out of contact in the depths of the Madagascan jungle for a week.

Now she's back at Base Camp 1 so she's back in touch via the £5.80 a minute satellite phone. I'm bankrupt and happy!!!

Besides, we're having a curry tonight.

I've got my first ever Bulgarian driving student. Sweet girl. She was a bit nervous until I said Hristo Stoichkov was a great footballer. Then she was very nervous as she realised her driving instructor was nuts!....;-)

I always greet new students who've never driven before with the same opening line and it never fails to have the desired effect.

"Please do exactly as I say or we are going to die"

Had a slightly odd conversation with a neighbour the other day.

Me : "Hey! You're new lodger is a midget!"
Her: "You can't say that! He's a Person of Restricted Growth!"
Me : "Yeah, a dwarf"
Her: "You can't say that either Dinners! It isn't politically correct!"
Me : "So he's a PORG then"
Her: "A what??"
Me : "Person of Restricted Growth...PORG...although if I was a midget I'd prefer midget or dwarf to PORG personally"
Her: "You'll get arrested one day Dinners. Saying 'Peek-a-boo' to those muzzie women with their faces covered"
Me: "Not my fauilt if the silly bitches haven't a sense of humour!"
Her: "And what about that Somalian you punched?"
Me: "But he called my Somalian driving student a 'whore' for being in a car with a white man!...I'm protective of my students I am"
Her: "But what about the one you punched over that stray dog?"
Me : "I didn't punch him! I just gave him a small slap is all!...Anyroad...I had to block the road to stop the dog getting run over. He had no right to have a go at me for holding him up when he could see I was rescuing a dog. This is ENGLAND! We're a nation of animal lovers. If he doesn't like it he can piss off back to Somalia and starve like the rest of 'em are! Besides, the dogs owners gave me a tenner for saving the daft pooch"
Her: "And what about the one's next door to you renting that house then?"
Me: "What about 'em?"
Her: "Did you or did you not have them complain to the police because you interrupt their prayer time?"
Me: "If I have have to listen to 'em wailing to bloody Mecca and watch 'em shove their arses in the air in the back garden then they can get a blast of The Sex Pistols full volume. Only fair"
Her: "Fair? What's fair about The Pistols on full volume?"
Me: "This is England babe"

At which point she gave up, turned away in a huff and tripped over the kerb.

There IS justice!...;-)

Laters and let's be careful out there eh?

2011-07-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

HUMANITY SUCKS....IT ALWAYS HAS AND IT ALWAYS WILL...UNTIL HUMANITY ENDS.

So there yer go............

Humanity sucks....

Poor poor bastards....we really don't know do we?...

Nite humanity....have fun eh?......While you can eh?,,,,,Everything ends you know...and you will as sure as the Dinosaurs did......We're screwed.

Oh well...never mind....I can drink voddy as the Earth dies screaming.....can't we all?

What a fucking depressive post...sorry...I can't help thinking we're screwed....

Mainly because we are.

And we bloody well deserve to be.

Nite peeps and let's be careful out there eh?....

Tomorrow will be more cheerful...honest!!!!....;-)

Does Anyone Else Out There Attract Madness?

2011-07-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

I took Caz...aka Carol....aka The Wifey....aka The Management to work this morning.

Traditionally 'supplies' are purchased in the evening but, for some unknown reason, I decided to purchase a cigarette supply from a shop on my way home in the morning. A shop I have never frequented before.

"WELL HELLOOO MATE!!!" said the shopkeeper (SK) who I've never seen in my life before.

Me : "Er...howdo...er....60 Mayfair Cigarettes please" I replied slightly uncertainly.

SK : "60? You having a good session with some bird then?"

Me : "Sorry?"

SK : "A good session mate! Lots of smokes in between eh?"

Me : No comment...just a slightly bewildered expression which SK patently failed to notice.

SK : "I tried it on with the wife last night. You know what she said?...Put the bloody kettle on!"

Me : "Oh....er....I see....um..."

SK : "Mind you when I say a good session I reckon you're thinking 'I could be so lucky mate' eh?...eh? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

Me : "Er...well...um...I suppose so"

SK : "Damn right! Takes me 6 fucking months to get randy at my age and what does the bitch do?....Tells me to put the bloody kettle on! I ask you! What a fucking life eh?"

Me : "Does she take sugar?"

SK : "You what???"

Me : "In her tea?...Sugar...er...one or two?"

SK : "What are you on about mate? Here's you're cigarettes...60 right?"

Me : "Er...yeah...thanks...

SK : "Lovely to see you again mate! Have a great session eh?...eh?....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

Me : "Er...ok...ta...cheers....bye"

SK : "Let me know how it goes!!!! Give her one for me eh?....eh?....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Buying cigarettes around here has apparently become a rather odd process.

I would try nicotine patches and stop but, after today, I'm terrified what the Chemist might say to me.

How?...Why?....How and why do I seem to attract insane people? Even when I go in a shop to buy something mundane like cigarettes?

He didn't look crazy when I walked in...it isn't my fault....honest!!!

Laters and let's be careful out there eh?....eh?.....

PALS

2011-07-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

When I was a small boy I had a best pal. His name was, and is, Gary Alan Turner. I was known as Bammy - an abreviation of my surname. He was my best pal for a long while after I was a small boy.....

Gary, or Gaz as he was then, convinced me to move to London to share a bedsitter.

Prior to that we'd shared pretty much everything else you could think of - apart from each others bodies...we weren't that way inclined. Beer, women (or girls at that time), fights, getting bollocked by parents and police.

We were pretty wild kids to be honest - although not especially malicious.

We did everything together. Played football for the school team, smoked cigarettes behind the school army cadet truck, shagged girls in the school army cadet truck....

Gary has 4 brothers. David, the oldest, Paul, Nigel and Graham.

One night, in the bedsit in Hounslow, Gary rang home to discover his baby brother Graham had a burst appendix and was gravely ill.

We hitched a lift back up north in an articulated lorry.

The driver kept getting drowsy and saying he had to stop so me and Gary took turns driving this massive truck (at the ages of 19 and without even a car licence) up the motorway heading north.

Not only did we, and many many other car drivers survive this lunacy, more importantly, Graham survived.

I probably spent more time around Gary's house than I did my own. His mum and dad were my mum and dad to me. His brothers were the brothers I'd always wished I had - selfishly so there was someone else for The Dragon to beat up.

At 21 years old he married - too young. He was trying to grow up and mature, I was heading down a very slippery alcohol and drug induced slope. We were growing apart. He'd protected me for so long he had to move on, with or without me.

Entirely because of my penchant for self destruction we eventually lost touch after I caused a fight at his wedding and, as he has admitted, he thought 'Bammy lad....you're lost...I can't stop this...I tried' - and he bloody well did try too.

This was the days before mobile phones and the internet so, when you 'lost touch' it was hard to find anyone again. Of course I could have contacted his mum and dad but I was far too wrapped up in self destruction to think of anything obvious like that.

By the time I met Caz - who saved me from myself - it was all a long time ago and, well, I didn't think anyone from those days would want to know me.

At the age of 49 Gary contacted me on 'Friends Reunited'......'I think it's time we had a beer' he said.

My daughter drove me to the appointed pub and I walked in and immediately recognised him after 28 years.

It felt like I'd seen him last week.

Is it weird?

Since that day we're close again....as close as we were all those years ago. His son told me he was quite tearful that evening when he got home. So was I.

There's a few - more than a few - cracking tales of what Gaz 'n Bammy got up to but, for now, I have my pal back. And even better, after meeting his first younger brother Paul on a trip up north last year, I got to meet the other brothers this weekend at Gary and Cassie's Silver Wedding bash.

"You haven't changed a bit have you Bammy?" they said - which may quite possibly be a worry.

Caz took a while to get used to everyone there calling me 'Bammy' as it's not a name she's particularly familiar with. EVERYONE called me 'Bammy'.....I felt like a kid again!

Paul hadn't made it down in person but his sons were there......"BAMMY!...We grew up hearing about you! Everybody said you must be dead!!"....oh dear....

"You were a name that never went away Bammy!" said Nigel, "Tales of you were told many a night"

Gary's dad died many moons ago but I have been to see 'mum' a couple of times.

"We never forgot you Bammy. I'm so glad you're alright now" she said to me.

The Silver Wedding was slightly unreal to me. My pal? Silver Wedding?....Still, I've had one with Caz so I suppose time happens and stuff happens.

Oldest brother David smiled at me benevolently and, I suspect, wondered how the hell I was still around - although he seemed genuinely pleased that I was.

I hadn't seen, or spoken, to my adopted brothers for over 34 years and it might as well have been yesterday.

If you ever want to understand the true meaning of the word 'PALS' it's here. Gary and his brothers.

Caz never gave up on me. Gary and his brothers never did - apart from considering the possibility I was dead.

Still, I'm not so I was there and I'm so glad and happy I was.

Thanks Gaz. The kids you grow up with are the kids who remember you and the kids who'll always be there for you - when they finally find you again.

'PALS'

Bammy 'n Gaz

Bammy 'n Dave

Bammy, Gaz 'n Dave

Bammy, Gaz 'n Dave singing 'Heroes' in Spanish....it's a looong story....

My best PAL ever...always

When you find a true PAL...never lose them...never lose touch with them....keep them. You'll never replace them...

Gary told Cassie (who I met for only the second time that night....she's a babe!!!...that if they made 25 years he would sing 'Hero' to her...in Spanish...AND HE DID!!!! INCREDIBLE!!! THE OLD BUGGER CAN SING!!!....I wondered why he asked me to print this songs lyrics out in Spanish at 11:30 pm the night before....we all sang along - although we reverted to English in the end....after THAT much alcohol English was hard enough!!!

Cassie cried a bit. My old PAL is an old romantic after all...he's also something of a hero of mine....er...not quite like the song I hasten to add!!! ;-)

Sing along now!!!.......and I'm nicking Gary's idea.....for you Carol.....totally for you xxx

Laters and let's be careful out there....

Fat Kids

2011-07-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

Now look.

Saying someone is 'fat' is now classed as politically incorrect.

Shame.

You're fat. FAT FAT FAT.

Fat means you are eating too much and you are on the way to heart problems and diabetes and such like..

I am 'overweight'. I need to lose about 2 stone. I am not yet obese but, compared to healthy people, I AM fat. At least fat(ish)

Do I have a problem with anyone sayng I'm fat?

Yep. I'm not. At least not in comparison to so many kids and parents who wobble along our streets every day of the week.

Compared to them I'm a male Kate Moss.

You can't say 'fat' Dinners...it upsets them.

DILLIGAF?

Look you FAT piece of lard. Lose weight. FAT is NOT attractive. If you are FAT you are NOT attractive to anyone unless they are slightly perverted and have a perversion for 'fatness'.

At 53 I have a bit of a 'tummy'....possibly years of glorious alcohol abuse or possibly because I am now middle aged and the only excercise I get is blinking occasionally....I could mention many many many curries but that is probably a 'given' in my case..

If you have a child who is obese you are both stupid and cruel (unless in the highly unlikely eventuality they have a genuine problem that includes obesity)

99% of children are FAT because their parents have allowed them to be FAT and, are probably FAT themselves.

Some Doctor has suggested 'fat kids' need to be taken away from their parents and 'slimmed down'.

I agree.

FAT is not physically or visually attractive. Sorry Beth Ditto. Great voice but you are a tub of lard. Perhaps more to the point it's down right unhealthy.......

Now.

Slightly delicate territory here.

My bestest pal and baby bro, Barnsley Sime, is not small by any estimation.

He would even openly admit that he is not slim...indeed...he would openly admit that he is FAT....Very obese actually.

I love the guy. He is my baby bro.

He is, however, going to die before me (probably).

Why?

He is very FAT.

Admitedly a Scooter accident resulting in him almost losing his foot and restricting his mobility has hardly helped....

As I said above...there are exceptions to why people become obese.....however...there are also ways of addressing obesity even in extremiss.

Getting excercise when you can't walk much is somewhat tricky at best.

I believe Sime was 'big lad' before his accident so obesity was only around the corner and avoiding said corner was nigh on impossible after the accident...or was it?

I can't preach.

My belly stops me from preaching. My insatiable consumption of curry stops me from preaching.

I can change things.

Sime - with considerably more difficulty than me - can change things. FAT adults can change things should they so desire.

Even if, for medical reasons or circumstances they can't - or find it impossible to....

Kids can't.

If their parents - mainly fatties in my experience - continue to allow their kids to become increasingly 'fatties' then, albeit they love their kids, they have lost the right to keep them.

The current 'politically correct' world we live in is allowing parents who are, usually, fat, to make their kids fat as well.

That is unforgivable. It is 'child abuse'.

Be fat and happy by all means but don't visit your 'fatness' on your kids.

Am I in trouble again?...Probably...

Still...in the world we live in I am categorised as 'FAT' so if a 'fattie' can't say this who the fuck can???

DILLIGAF!

Get A Grip

2011-07-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

Billions of pounds to India and Pakistan...Countries that are spending billions building up their own nuclear arsenals - not to mention Space programmes

...Billions spent on illegal wars in Afghanistan and Libya....Billions given to The European Union.....Billions spent on absolute shite....'absolute shite' being a very accurate description of The European Union.

And I thought I was insane.

Care homes closing down. The elderley forced to sell the inheritance they wanted to leave their children just to stay alive....without anything approaching genuine care even when they do...

"Change his catheter love? Nooooo...he's a bloody nuisance!"

Much more of this and I'm a rocket scientist....you don't really need to be a rocket scientist do you?

Can't we just kill ALL the politicians and just start again?

Look after the old people....teach kids respect and teach them how to be decent human beings....including the odd 'clip around the earhole' if required...

Don't crucify teachers who clip some obnoxious little oik around the ear for being an obnoxious little oik.

Don't tell the people of Britain they have to suffer 'cuts' as you tell them giving billions to the European Union is a good idea.

Don't tell the people of Britain that giving billions to India and Pakistan to save their starving people is a good idea when they're developing space technology for millions and billions of pounds.

Tell India to ground their fucking rockets and feed their people.

Tell India we'll ignore their starving children (as much as it might hurt) and let the poor little buggers die if we have to.

Will somebody please wake up and sniff the coffee?

Compared to the morons who seem to be 'running the show' I am, indeed, a rocket scientist.

If that isn't a worry then we really are doomed.

MAKEM LAND

2011-07-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

Now THAT was a bloody loooooong way to drive....just there, let alone back as well!!!

Getting there was a loooong way...getting back was virtually infinity!!!!

'I close my eye's and count to ten'.....Tracey Ullman...oh dear Dinners...wakey wakey!!!!

I attended the wedding of 'Shoe' and 'Vespa' aka Shoe Shine (Neil...not THIS Neil I hasten to add) and Sue.

I learnt a valuable lesson.

Never attend a wedding/disco in a part of England that has always been 'alien' to you because you won't have a bloody clue what anyone is saying.

'Yer canny mon'

Lesson Two. Attend regardless of Lesson 1 as you'll have a ball!!!

'Yer canny mon' apparently means, in some semblence of English, 'We like you'.

An extraordinary weekend seeing two people marry because they love each other.

A cracking reception tied into a 'scooter rally'. The company of my adopted baby brother Barnsley Sime being a lovely bonus.

The booze flowed, Dinners got insanely drunk for two nights and....woke up in a tent in the field of a rugby club called Bishop Auckland having no idea why he was in a tent or why he was in the field of a rugby club.

Now if that doesn't make a good time I don't know what does.

Fuck me sideways. How I have made 53 is a mystery to not only me, but, quite conceivably, medical science.

I love the MAKEMS and, perhaps, slightly worryingly, the MAKEMS seem to love me.

I'm MINT I am.....I'm CANNY I am...The MAKEMS said so....so there!!!!!

MAKEMS are, frankly, beautiful people.

I know. I was looked after by them.

Shoe Shine? Vespa? Trev? Gavin? Tush et al.

You are THE BUSINESS.

Later's and let's be careful out there eh?

They don't MAKEM like that anymore...

2011-07-07T14:15:00.000-07:00

Right...I'm off.

Picking up Barnsley Sime tomorrow...then off to Sunderland for a wedding.

Laters peeps...

...and be careful out there eh?

Driving Me Round The Bend

2011-06-26T11:08:00.000-07:00

https://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100002289941513

If you go to the above link you'll find me popping up in a pic or three. A fancy dress do at The 5 Bells in Harmondsworth. I feel slightly guilty to have picked up a prize as my 'fancy dress' came directly from my wardrobe - ie - SKA BOY. Everyone else had 'hired' their outfits. Caz didn't attend as she was knackered after running a Church Fate....er....Fate?...is that how you spell it?

Anyroad, I was suitably dressed, suitably pissed and suitably won a prize. Apparently I fell over at some point - possibly whilst gyrating around to Bad Manners' "Lip Up Fatty" I'm told. As I have no idea it was clearly a very good night. Christine, a 50 year old grandmother of 9 - yes 9! - is a top drawer singer of any genre but her Cher impression in the second half of her act is, frankly, awesome! Cher paid mega bucks for her body...Christine didn't need too!!! (er...soz Caz....er...now don't misunderstand me....put that rolling pin down dear!)

Not entirely surprisingly, I started my driving instructing a wee bit late after the previous evenings excesses.

All I can report is that one student insisted on the entire lesson being conducted whilst I wore my pork pie hat - see pics on above link - another spent the entire lesson gleefully attempting to run over anyone elderley who unwisely strayed within range with a cry of "They've lived long enough!", another decided to go across a roundabout rather than around it as "It's more direct" and the last student of the day attempted to drive down a railway line.

Apart from that the day passed without incident.

I will sort out my linky thingys over the next few days/weeks and begin visiting you all again in the not too distant future....er....probably....more than likely....;-)

Laters peeps and let's be careful out there....

Well Hello Again!

2011-06-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

This is the first post of the all new and shiny DILLIGAF.

I am now going to bed, to sleep - after a shag of course....

Over the next few days and weeks I will sort this shit out.

Oh boy....

Here we go again.....

I'll never learn will I?